Introvert or Extrovert? THAT is the Question!

The world can be divided in many ways; between women and men; singles and married; those who love Marmite and those who hate it; those who live in the country and those who live in a town; the list is endless. But one of the more significant divisions is that between the extroverts and the introverts.

Here's a conversation I overheard between "Ida" the introvert and "Eve" the extrovert, who were both studying and living at Bible College. You'll probably identify with either one or the other:

Eve: "What are you doing this afternoon?"
Ida: "I think I'll go swimming."
Eve: "Oh, what a great idea, I'll come with you!"
Ida (all of a sudden feeling much less enthusiastic about swimming!): "okay then"
Eve (a bit puzzled why Ida isn't jumping up and down with pleasure at the idea of having company, but nevertheless thrilled with the idea herself): "fantastic, I'll go get my stuff!"

What Eve failed to realise is that Ida was looking forward to spending the time alone at the pool. In fact, one of the reasons she chose that as an activity was precisely because she didn't want to join in any of the group activities that were taking place closer to home! Eve on the other hand imagines she's doing Ida a great favour, because who would want to go swimming on their own if she could have company?!!!

At a social gathering, the introverts will be the ones sitting in deep conversation with someone, or they'll be standing by a wall somewhere, looking very uncomfortable and trying to think of an excuse to leave as soon as possible. Meanwhile, the extroverts are talking in groups, or talking to a string of people, wandering from one conversation to another.

This division can define our lives in quite profound ways. Depending on which side of the line you are on, you may get a real buzz out of being around people a lot, or you feel that excitement about spending hours on your own. Just as there is no better option between the sexes or whether you're married or single, there is no better option between being an extrovert or an introvert.

However, as an unapolagetic introvert, I have observed that the world tends to be defined on extroverts' terms. This means introverts often get defined in negative ways - 'uncomfortable in social situations'; 'don't have vast numbers of friends', etc, rather than positive terms, like; 'have very deep and satisfying friendships'; 'enjoy spending time on their own', etc. It is generally the extroverts that run the world; they are the ones who organise the social events and the ones you notice at parties; they are the ones who can walk into a room full of people and know they're going to have a great time. Meanwhile the introvert will hang back and let the extroverts do all the socialising, all the time hoping that one of them might take enough of an interest in her to really find out how she ticks. Unfortunately, that ain't likely to happen, certainly not straight away.

Extroverts often make introverts feel worthless because they think everyone ought to be as comfortable as they are in social situations and they can look down on those who struggle, with the attitude of, "just get over it." However, for an introvert, the idea of spending time in new social situations, or with a lot of people they don't necessarily know, is actually extremely stressful and can be quite traumatic. Really. I know someone who, while at Bible College, decided to eat lunch in her room every day because she couldn't face the daily stress of entering the huge dining hall and choosing somewhere to sit. I can picture those of you who are reading this and thinking, "pull yourselves together, don't be ridiculous!" If you're thinking that, then the chances are you're a definite extrovert.

The world tells introverts they're inadequate to such a degree that they often end up believing that there really is something wrong with them. Unfortunately, because introverts tend to be quieter (not exclusively, but generally speaking!) then they don't get heard above the din of the extroverts who are particularly fond of the sound of their own voices! This means they can feel very misunderstood and many times think they are the only one in the world to struggle in this way. It can be a wonderful relief to realise that there are many of us out there who understand.

Challenges on the mission field
Introverts face particular challenges on the mission field. Entering a new culture forces people into a huge number of new social situations; with their mission team-mates, with their work colleagues, with people at church... And most of these will have different social "rules" to those they are used to. An introvert tends to process things internally so you may not see much "progress" in the adaptation to the new culture, but that does not mean it's not happening. Introverts need longer to observe people in social contexts in order to understand what's expected of them before feeling able to join in.

Language learning is a particular challenge to introverts. In order to improve your fluency, there's no other way than to take the plunge and try to communicate, even though you'll make mistakes. For an introvert, this can be a massive hurdle. Firstly because introverts don't tend to have the same desire to communicate that extroverts do, so there are fewer moments when they have the incentive they need to get over their fear of making a mistake. Secondly because, in processing their thoughts internally first, they take longer to reach a point where they know what they want to say, even in their first language. In a second language, this is magnified and so an introvert quickly feels frustrated that they can't respond quick enough, even when their actual level of knowledge of the language is sufficient to cope with the situation.

It is much harder for an introvert than an extrovert to get to know people and it takes longer for them to feel they have friends, because for an introvert a friendship is only satisfying when it has reached a certain depth. So introverts new to the mission field can feel lonely for a significant length of time. This calls for a certain amount of understanding on the part of the mission leaders. Understanding; not criticism! Please, if you're an extrovert and are in charge of introverts who are new to the field, don't compare them to the extroverts they've just replaced, who were so great at just getting on with it and making friends in the new culture etc. Give your introverts space to adapt and observe; in your shadow to begin with if need be. Then you will see that gradually they will find their feet and begin to take the initiative.

A word of caution to my fellow introverts; don't make it an excuse to hide away at home! It can be very tempting to feel sorry for yourself and want to steer clear of all uncomfortable situations. That's not possible and there's a fine line to walk between giving yourself the time and space you need and avoiding facing the challenges altogether. You need to walk closely with God to know which are the situations you need to force yourself into and which you can justifiably put off facing until you are better settled.

Finally, a note of encouragement; God made everyone different. Each one of us is unique and special to Him. None of us is better or worse than anyone else. There is no personality which should be aspired to; both extroverts and introverts have their strengths and weaknesses. Please don't wish you were made differently! Find out what your strengths are and learn to take advantage of them for the advancement of God's kingdom. Discover where your weaknesses are and learn to manage them in a healthy way. And most of all, learn to appreciate others for their own unique contributions in Christ's body; neither criticising them nor envying them for the ways they are different from you.

Particularly dedicated to my introvert friends on the SIM-Py team. You know who you are! Your friendship is like hot chocolate by a bonfire on a cold night in July!


Update: 23rd Sep 08:
Today I got a newsletter from an extrovert friend who has just moved from the UK to Asia and she writes this: "That evening when I returned I decided to spend some time with the girls who live in this boarding house. Every evening they peel garlic and sing songs together. So I joined them and spent about 2 hours chatting and peeling garlic." Perhaps this wasn't as easy for her as it sounds, but the idea of joining a well-established group in this way TERRIFIES me!!! I would first have to have short, individual conversations with the different people and then I'd need to be invited to join them - NO WAY could I ever just sit down with them like that!! And reading her comment made me feel rather inadequate because it seems like the absolutely best thing she could have done in the circumstances, but if it had been me, I'd have failed miserably.

© Fiona L Cooper 2008

Letter to the discouraged single girl in search of a husband

Dear friend,

You and I both grew up, as all girls do, assuming that we would get married one day. At first I thought that maybe I would marry one of the boys at school... I'd probably meet my husband at university... Then my friends started getting married and I knew my time would come soon... When I reached my late twenties and there still wasn't a husband on the horizon, I really thought God was taking a long time to answer my prayer... Eventually in my thirties I started to consider the possibility that I might remain single forever and my challenge now is to discover how best to deal with that possibility. Whatever stage you're at, I hope that some of the reflections below might help you see your situation in a more positive light and lead you to lean more on God.

Techniques and Formulas
To begin with, there are no techniques or formulas for finding a husband, no matter what anyone tells you. Plenty of people have given me advice about what I should do in order to better prepare myself for finding the right man. God does not work according to techniques or formulas. Just because one person found success using a particular method, does not mean that the same method can be applied successfully to everyone else.

Each child of God is unique. We all have our own individual gifts, personalities, strengths and weaknesses. God creates each person with a particular purpose in mind and everyone's journey is different. So just because an old friend tells you that she just prayed and prayed and prayed for a husband, and God provided her with one, does not mean that if you pray in the same way God will send you Mr Right. Perhaps you've heard someone say that she came to a point with God when she was adamant that she didn't want to get married; she stopped thinking and praying about it and, poof! there appeared before her very eyes the most perfect man she could have wished for... I know I've heard that one from many sources! Don't be tempted to follow her "method." And don't think that God would have given you a husband by now if you had only been doing x, y or z in an effort to find him. God is bigger than that. He knows what is best for you and he does not provide you with things just because you comply with some invisible rulebook.

Your journey with God is not your friend's. You have your own challenges to overcome and your own strengths to develop.

Marriage = Eternal Happiness?
Our problem is that the dream of marriage we are sold by society, the media and the church promises eternal happiness: The happy ever after of fairytales can be yours, if you only look for it in the right place or wait long enough or make it happen yourself.

Do you know that when you get married, it will be to an imperfect man? You may wish and hope for "the perfect man" but take note; he doesn't exist. Really. I know you're probably thinking, "of course I know that, I'm not expecting to marry the perfect man, just the one who's perfect for me." But are you sure you're not thinking somewhere deep inside that, if God's making you wait for marriage, it's because he's got someone who is going to be completely wonderful in every way?

I wonder what you think marriage will be like? Why do you really want to get married? Why are you so unhappy with your singleness?

Perhaps you have an unrealistic idea of what marriage is like. I know I did.

I was looking forward to companionship, intimacy and support. I was sure my husband would banish my loneliness and fulfill all my desires. But hang on. Remember, he's an imperfect man. So what? Well, for a start, I imagine my husband to be willing to spend time with me whenever I want. However, the man I marry will have his own priorities and will not always be willing to spend time with me, and may in fact want to spend time with me when I'd rather be doing something else. My imaginary husband would also love everything about me and I would love everything about him, of course. But wait a moment, every one of us has hang-ups and habits and attitudes that come from our sinful nature and that make us difficult to live with.

So I will not find the complete intimacy I long for in marriage. Neither will I find that special someone who will always take my side and fight my corner, supporting me 24 hours a day, 365 days a year: He will have his own concerns and stresses and commitments, which means times will come when I want his support but he will be unable to provide it. There will be times in my marriage when I will feel misunderstood, unsupported and alone because my husband will not be able to meet my emotional needs. There may well be moments when I will feel lonelier in marriage than I ever have done as a single person.

So why do I have these desires for companionship, intimacy and support, if they won't be satisfied by getting married?

Because God created me with these needs in order to satisfy them himself. The Lord is the only one who can meet all my needs and so I need to look to him to feel fulfilled, right now. Marriage will not satisfy the deep longings I have, only God can do that, so I need to stop longing for marriage and start longing for God.

God loves you just the way you are and your singleness is part of that at the moment, like it or not. He created you because he wanted to have a relationship with you, but it's hard for him to have a relationship with you when you're so focused on finding a husband. You're distracted; your priorities are not as they should be.

"And don't be wishing you were someplace else or with someone else. Where you are right now is God's place for you. Live and obey and love and believe right there. God, not your marital status, defines your life." (1 Cor 7:17, The Message)

It's fine to want to get married but it's not fine to place all your hopes, dreams and expectations on that desire.

God's Gifts
Don't be expecting to ever "have it sorted" in terms of coming to terms with your singleness. And don't beat yourself up because you're not completely content with your singleness. Your discontent and your frustration are the spur to keep you looking to God, to keep asking for his grace and to help you recognise that you do indeed depend upon him to keep you going. God wants you to depend on him. That way you become closer to him, and he can bless you more freely.

There have been times when I have felt content with my singleness and I have been so grateful to God in those moments. However, these times inevitably end and I feel so fed up again; with my own weakness as much as anything. But God is still there and he's teaching me things through the heartache. I have to hang onto him and remember that it is only his grace that keeps me going.

You will have heard people quote Psalm 37 verse 4; "Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart" and this is often taken to mean that whatever it is that you want right now, he will give you that thing as soon as you begin to delight in him. But surely it means that, once you start delighting yourself in him, your desires become more in tune with his for your life and so you start wanting what he wants for you, and that does not necessarily include marriage!!!!!

God does want to give you good and perfect gifts, of course he does. But it is very dangerous to assume that these gifts will come in the shape of your own desires. They may do, but they may not.

The Privilege of Singleness
Do you believe you have a right to get married? What makes you think that?

It's a fact of Christian life that some Christian women, including a significant proportion of those in full-time ministry, don't get married. And most of them have a life-long desire for marriage.

Don't give in to bitterness; it only damages yourself and your relationship with God. Instead, seek the Lord. He loves you more than any man ever could. He's waiting for you to turn your whole self towards him, to follow him with no regrets and no doubts. Trust God to provide for your needs. Trust him to know what's best for you. See every challenge and every difficulty as an opportunity to lean on God and thus learn from him.

Our intense desire for marriage is the product of a fallen world. As women, our fallen nature leads us to turn away from God and look for a man who can provide security and stability, on whom we can depend to meet our needs, instead of looking to God for that.

This is why singleness is such a privilege. To have discovered that God, rather than my mythical prince charming, is the answer to all my desires, is a wonderful blessing. If I had entered marriage thinking that my husband would fulfill all these expectations, I would have soon become very disappointed. My singleness also gives me the opportunity to become so intimate with God that I no longer look for satisfaction anywhere else, without the distraction of a man in my life. Then if I do find a man to share my life with, I will know much better what it is marriage can and can't provide me with.

Heavenly!
In heaven we will find the fulfillment of all our desires. We will enter into a new phase of our relationship with God; one in which all our sadness and frustration and sin are swept away by the power of his love. We will experience love like we've never known it before; we will finally see ourselves as our Creator sees us and we will be the sinless people he made us to be; the best version of ourselves. We will be loved and will love in return with no holds barred, in complete freedom and with immense joy.

There is nothing on this earth that compares with the wonders of what we will experience the other side of death.

There will be no marriage or singleness; we will live in complete harmony with all creation and in wonderful community with all God’s people.

It's going to be amazing, and far beyond what we could ever imagine!!! So set your sights on heaven, not on marriage. Set your heart on knowing God more fully, not on finding your husband. That is where you will find the pure love, joy and satisfaction your heart desires.

God is Able
I have come to the conclusion that it makes absolutely no difference what I do or where I go: God is more than able to provide me with a husband, wherever I am and whatever I'm doing. The fact that he hasn't up until now means that I am better able to serve him and grow in maturity with him as a single than I would be if I were married. He likes me this way. My singleness is a precious part of who I am and part of what makes me beautiful in his eyes.

So it's not about techniques for catching a husband or persistence in a particular type of prayer, it's about God's sovereign will for my life. Your life. There is absolutely nothing to stop him giving either of us a husband. The fact that he hasn't means it is his will for us to be single right now and no amount of searching, make-up or flirting is going to make the slightest difference. I, for one, wouldn't want to be anywhere other than in the centre of his will. Would you?

And if his will is for me to remain unmarried until he takes me into glory, then my prayer is that he will use my life, my gifts and my passions to his good purposes. I also pray that I will know him in ever-increasing intimacy, always looking to him to satisfy the desires of my heart, as only he can. May this be your prayer too.

God be your comfort and your guide as you walk this challenging path.

Fiona

© Fiona L Cooper 2008

Crazy Weather!

As you know, Paraguay's winter months are June through to August, more or less. The temperatures have been known to go as low as 0ºC during the night, though I'm pretty sure it's never snowed! This year, we had a cold-ish June but then July, which is usually the coldest month, was beautiful, with temperatures around 25º during the day. August was pretty variable, but generally cool to warm, no extremes either way. Then this week. Monday was warm. Tuesday was pretty hot. Wednesday was extremely hot, at 40º in the afternoon, then Thursday was cold all of a sudden (15-18º) and today (Friday) has been very cold, with an icy breeze - I don't think the temperature has risen above 10º all day! So on Wednesday, we were all walking around in our summer clothes and sandals, complaining about the heat and today we've been wrapped up in layers of woollies because it's sooo cold! Today was the first day all winter when I've been able to see my breath. Crazy! But I love the feeling of the cool air on my face when I'm wrapped up warm. So I've been smiling all day, though I don't think many others have been!



I'm going to have a cup of hot chocolate now and tuck myself up in bed with a book. Mmmm. Perfect!

© Fiona L Cooper 2008

A Historic Day

"Today marks the end of an elitist Paraguay, a secretive Paraguay, a Paraguay famous for corruption. Today marks the beginning of a Paraguay in which the authorities will be relentless against thieves."*

Fernando Lugo, the former bishop who won the presidential elections on 20th April, was sworn in today as the first non-Colorado Party president for 61 years. In a break from protocol, he wore a Paraguayan hand-embroidered shirt, without tie or jacket, and wore his trademark sandals rather than shoes. His image identifies him with his people; with the marginalised and half-forgotten communities of indigenous and disadvantaged Paraguayans, rather than the political and social elite.

He was elected on a platform of bringing change after so many years of Colorado rule. His manifesto focused on tackling poverty, corruption and the lack of jobs, which are seen by Paraguayans as being the reasons the country has not experienced the economic growth of its neighbours.

He is radical in more than just his dress: Last night he stated in an interview that he would not be taking a salary for his work as president. He said he didn't enter politics to make money or become rich. THIS IS HUGE in a country where politicians who are given positions of more power are usually soon seen to be buying bigger houses and better cars.

I get the impression that here is a man who really believes what he says he stands for. His work as a priest and bishop was among the poor and marginalised, and it is apparent his policies are more than just election pledges, but actually come from his heart. His voice breaks and he actually sheds tears when talking about justice for the poor.

After being sworn in, he started his speech in Guaraní, the native language spoken by the majority of Paraguayans. He addressed the indigenous communities first, and asked their permission to give the rest of his speech in Spanish. As well as talking about the need to tackle corruption and for land reform, he made it clear that the change people are so hopeful about is not just a matter of policies, but is everyone's responsibility:

"The building of this new Paraguay has a brick in your hands."

"Change is not an electoral issue, it's a cultural gamble, perhaps the most important one in Paraguay's history."

The challenge, he said, "will not be easy, but it will not be impossible."

Let's pray for him.

Here are two good recent articles from the BBC about Lugo:
Paraguay's President Faces Huge Task
Ex-Bishop Takes Paraguay's Helm

Oh, I know it's officially supposed to be "An historic day" but I never say that, so I didn't write it!
*All the quotes here are my own poor translations of what Lugo said. If there's a lack of grace about them, it's my fault, not Lugo's!

© Fiona L Cooper 2008

Photo credit: www.flickr.com/photos/fernandolugoapc/2765112403/in/photostream/

Perichoresis

I have been reading several books recently that have deeply affected the way I see God and have had a profound impact on my relationship with him: Velvet Elvis, by Rob Bell; Christ Plays in Ten Thousand Places, by Eugene Peterson; The Shack, by William P Young and Song of Songs, by God (!). I have also been spending time with my friend Kelly and our conversations have deepened my perspective even further.

I am learning that the Jesus-centred life is all about him. It's not about me. At all. All I have to do is keep looking at him and I can trust him to do all the rest. It's not about me trying to do the right thing, or trying to become a better Christian, or trying to please him. Because I can't. It's about letting him do what he wants with my life and in my soul, gradually changing me as I focus on him, as I spend my life with him.

I am learning that life is all about relationships; firstly, relationship with God, then relationships with people. Life is about love. Loving in the way Jesus loves. No conditions. No expectations. Loving out of love itself; loving because I am loved. It's about spending time with people, getting to know them, sharing their lives, their hopes, their pain. And letting people into my life, letting them share my burdens and my dreams.

I am learning that God loves me with a deep, deep love. That he is inviting me to participate with him in the relationship of the Father, Son and Holy Spirit. That there is nothing he wants more than a relationship with me; he looks forward to the times I spend with him and really delights in my presence, yet puts no expectations on how much time I should spend with him. His is not a demanding love; it's an inviting love. And that means I am free. No longer do I need to feel guilty about not living up to the standards other people seem to expect me to, in terms of my experience of the Holy Spirit or my practice of spiritual disciplines, etc. Guilt does not help my relationship with God! I am learning that I cannot live up to any standards imposed on me, either by myself or others. I am completely unable to because I am only human. So I am free to live my life with God at my own pace, in my own way. My experience of God is going to be different from everyone else's because I'm made differently; I am my own, unique person, so I must not beat myself up if I can't fit into someone else's mould.

I am learning that I am helpless to change myself and I am learning that what I need is more of God in my life and less of me: I am learning to give up my rights and my expectations; to realise that I am not important, even in my own life. It's all about God. Everything I do needs to spring from the love I have for God, not from a sense of duty or a set of rules I should follow.

I am learning to find my satisfaction in God alone.

I imagine the Father, Son and Holy Spirit standing in a group, absorbed in happy conversation with each other. Two of them are facing more or less in my direction, the other has his back to me. As I walk towards them, I am confident of being welcomed. The two who can see me turn their faces towards me with delight in their eyes, then the third one turns to see what they're looking at, finds it's me and his face breaks into a wonderful smile. The three have been happily waiting for me and as I approach, with my heart full of joy and expectancy, they open their circle a little, just enough to let me in, and I join them in their joy-filled, love-filled conversation. And we dance. Perichoresis.*

*Greek word for dance, used by early Greek theologians to describe the Trinity; see Peterson, Christ Plays in Ten Thousand Places, pp44-47



© Fiona L Cooper 2008