Technology- friend or foe?

Technology. It's a huge blessing in my life. I can get in touch with my friends and family thousands of miles away in an instant. There is an enormous, seemingly infinite library of information on the web, which means I never have to wonder for long about something without being able to find the answer, or at least, someone's interpretation of the answer. I can buy things without leaving my living room, and have them delivered to my door, or someone else's door. Even better, I can buy music which gets delivered direct to my computer. I need do no more than click on the appropriate "button."

And yet I wonder just how good it is for me.

By getting me used to having whatever I want as soon as I realise I want it, it affects me negatively in a number of ways:

It somehow justifies my innate impatience. If the internet connection is slow today, I get overly frustrated and annoyed. This spills over into real life too, so the times I have to wait for things to be done, or finished, or given to me become intolerable and make me grouchy.

It feeds my greed. If I can get it so easily, why should I deny myself? My self-control goes out the window. Especially, in my case, with music - at only 79p a song on iTunes, it doesn't feel as though I'm spending very much at any one time. It soon builds up, of course.

This, in turn, leads me to appreciate less what I already have. I'm suddenly excited about having the newest thing, and I neglect the things I already have. So whether I'm buying a book or music, I focus on the new and stop listening to/reading my older collection.

iTunes

I have 2000 songs in my iTunes library. How often do I listen to any one of them? Not often. I really do tend to listen again and again to the album or song I bought most recently, until I'm sick of hearing it, or it loses its impact. Then something else that's new catches my attention, or I go back to something older from my collection. But with 2000 songs to choose from, I really do lose perspective and sometimes find myself lost for something to listen to. I have been known to start listening to one album then realise it's not really what I want to hear at the moment, so I go find something else, but then that doesn't really do it for me either... In the old days, with records, tapes or even CDs, I would either have spent longer on the choosing or would have been happier with my choice. But because I'm so used to instant gratification, I'm unimpressed if there's a song I don't absolutely LOVE.

One of the great things about iTunes is that you can make up your own "playlists" so you can select the songs from different albums you like and put them together. Yet this also makes me much more impatient with the music. If I only ever listen to things I really really like, is that really good for me? In my own little world, I don't ever have to put up with anything less than wonderful. And I wonder whether I'm becoming more and more set in my ways and protective of my own little bubble and maybe actually it would be very good for me not to live on my own for a while...

And then there's Facebook.

I admit to having a love-hate relationship with this social networking thing. So, you put your picture on it, add some personal information and then collect Facebook friends. Then you add applications, which can be games to play with others, campaigns to join, vehicles for expressing yourself or creative ways of describing yourself (Which Disney character are you? Which flower are you?) And then what? You get to keep in touch with all your friends. Hmm. These would be the same friends you see at work, or the ones you normally email, or folk at church... The same people, in fact, that you see or are in touch with anyway.

Okay, there are some people I have got in contact with who I haven't seen for a long time, and at first, it's really great to "see" them. However, mostly they are people I have lost touch with because we don't have much in common any more. So they stay a "friend" and whenever I want, I can look at their profile and find out what they're up to... but there is no further communication between us. Is that relationship? Not really. So why bother then? Maybe I'm just having a "grumpy old woman" day. I do, after all, have a giggle at some of the things people write on Facebook. But even so, is my life really that much richer for it? Hmmm.

We live in a world where the expectation is for instant communication and instant gratification. I'm wondering whether we are losing an appreciation for well-thought-out correspondence here in email land. When we had to write a letter and post it and wait days for the reply, we would spend time composing it. Now we have a thought and we send it off into the ether without a second thought. I'm also wondering whether we are losing an appreciation for deeper relationships. All this Facebooking is very surface stuff and, while it may serve to keep a relationship on a certain level, it certainly doesn't develop it any further. But shouldn't real relationships should be constantly growing and deepening?

I do believe that we are losing an appreciation of the things we have when it is so easy to acquire more. And that is a dangerous thing. It encourages in us a dissatisfaction with what we have, because there's always something newer, if not better, out there. And that has to have an effect on our general attitude towards life. If others can have it, what's to stop me from getting it? And so, during the times when my life is hard work, and the world is shouting its wares at me; "happiness can be yours if you eat enough ice cream/have enough sex/fill your home with enough technology..." of course it's going to be a lot harder to resist the lure of the lies. If we give in to this mindset of having what we want whenever we want it in the realms of communication, information and online purchasing, then we will easily be sucked into having that same attitude in the rest of our lives.

So let's be careful not to always give in to the urge. Let's take a moment to think whether we really need to know that fact/buy that product/write that email. And let's bring God into all our decisions, whether big or small, so that his love and grace and peace permeate our lives and we live each day a little more faithfully to the ideals of the Kingdom of Heaven.

And I shall start with me.

© Fiona L Cooper 2009

God in the unknown

I recently got an email from a dear friend, about searching for God's will. I wanted to share her beautiful and encouraging words:

"Who wants what God does not? I don't. Only His perfect will will do!! Right? So, back to the beautiful place of waiting in wonder for that very will to unfold."

"God makes all things beautiful in His own time. God's ways are perfect and if you sit with an unknown future blinking back at you, just rest and He will make the empty nothingness beautiful. But for today, for this moment just enjoy Him and trust Him... even though the future is not spelled out. This is our faith and this is what will please Him."

Amen!



© Fiona L Cooper 2009

The Joy of Singleness

I'm done with self-pity.

I'm over feeling sorry for myself.
I've had enough of wallowing.

It's time to challenge the assumption which is prevalent in society and the church that marriage is inherently better than singleness. It's not. Look at what Jesus and Paul say (Matt 19:11-12; 1 Cor 7:27-28 & 32-34). Jesus himself was single, in a culture where it was by far the norm to marry. In our culture too it is the norm to get married, or at the very least (for non-Christians) to have long-term sexual relationships. This makes it pretty hard for those of us who are single. The pressure comes from all sides to "find THE ONE," settle down and have a family.

Because it is so normal to get married, those of us who aren't feel as though we're missing out on something; we're not quite grown-up if we haven't entered the club of the "married with children." And so we lament our lack of companionship, sexual fulfillment and offspring. And we get together with others in our situation and moan about the lack of single Christian men and we try not to look too desperate whenever we meet a new man who's single.

But what if we really believed that there is nothing wrong with being single? What if we could see our singleness as being a channel for God's blessing and even an opportunity to grow in intimacy with God which we wouldn't have if we were married? What if we could show the world the benefits of being single, so that others could see for real that it's a truly blessed lifestyle?

Then people might see that singleness can be more than just a time of waiting for the right man; that it can mean a life of fulfilled contentment. The single people we know who are younger than us might learn not to fear singleness in the way that we did when we were younger. Wouldn't that be awesome?

I am tired of the messages I am constantly bombarded with about how much better life is if it's lived with a partner. I want to explore the possibility of living out my singleness without feeling that it is somehow less valid than marriage. Marriage is the norm. I want to be normal. But why do I feel that normal is good and therefore abnormal is bad? Perhaps the word 'abnormal' has negative connotations. What about 'unusual' then? Or 'unique'? Every one of us is unique, so why should we want to conform to society's idea of what's good? Unique is good. Let's be proud of being different. Romans 12:2 says, "Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is - his good, pleasing and perfect will."

Let's stop thinking of marriage as some higher state of being and start thinking about our singleness as being God's gift to us at this time. It is a gift he has given us which we can use for his good purposes, to bless and encourage others and to grow in intimacy with him. When we focus on God, our perspective changes. We start to see things as he sees them and so we begin to understand something of his wonderful plan for us as we accept our circumstances and step out in faith with him.

Let's live life to the full, making the most of every opportunity to develop our gifts and form deep relationships. This life is all about relationships, but not just of the romantic, life-long partnership kind. Invest in the friendships you have. Seek out new friends. Make time to really get to know other people; develop bonds of shared experiences and emotions. Be generous with your love. Spend time with families - if you long for children of your own it can be a wonderful thing to get to know other people's children. As a non-parent, you can develop a very special relationship with children that can be of enormous blessing to yourself, the children and their parents.

Most importantly, invest time and energy in your relationship with God. He is there, waiting for us to turn to him, longing for us to know him as he knows us. He wants all of us, not just half an hour in the morning, but all day, every day. He loves us with a passion no human could ever match. Why settle for anything less than a fully intimate relationship with our Lord?

If marriage is a picture of God's relationship within the Trinity, and if sex is a glimpse of heaven, then these are truly wonderful things. But they are images of something deeper, more intimate, more holy, more connected, more fulfilling. More, more, more. Why should we want the image if the real thing is out there, waiting to be found by us? The real, deep, abiding, passionate, never-ending, glorious love of the Father is ours for the taking. Why do we search for its earthly substitute if God is calling us here and now into a holy union with him? Can't you hear the Father's voice calling you; "Arise my darling, my beautiful one, and come with me." (Song 2:10)? He is inviting us to join him on an adventure of abandoning ourselves completely to him.

Rob Bell says (referring to the passages from Matthew and 1 Corinthians above), "It's not just that you're fine single. The premise of the Scriptures is that you are able to connect with God and serve God in ways that those who are married can't. The tilt is towards being single, not away from it." (Sex God)

Let's be glad for the things which make us different from our married friends. Let's enjoy our solitude, our independence, our freedom to choose what to do and when and how to do it. Let's not feel guilty any longer for being able to sleep late on a Saturday when everyone else has to get up with the larks to take the kids swimming or do the weekly shop. Let's enjoy doing things on the spur of the moment and choosing which film to watch without having to take anyone else's taste into account! Let's talk about the things we enjoy about our life with our friends, single and married alike. Let's begin to spread the word that being single can be A Good Thing.

And let's seize the opportunities our single life gives us to love the Lord our God with all our heart, all our soul and all our strength (see Deut 6:5). Let us say from the bottom of our heart that, "you have assigned me my portion and my cup; you have made my lot secure. The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; surely I have a delightful inheritance." (Ps 16:5-6) Let us seek him with an unquenchable desire, reaching for the day when, "you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand." (Ps 16:11)

Let's make it our aim to find our satisfaction in our Lord and Saviour, and let's not rest until we have found complete joy in deep intimacy with him.

Two books I recommend about singleness/relationships and God:
Al Hsu "The Single Issue" (Known in the US as "Singles at the Crossroads")
Rob Bell "Sex God: Exploring the Endless Connections Between Sexuality and Spirituality."

Other books I recommend about a deeper, more fulfilling relationship with God:
John Piper "When I Don't Desire God"
Jeanne Guyon "Experiencing the Depths of Jesus Christ"
Elizabeth Prentiss "Stepping Heavenwards"


© Fiona L Cooper 2008

The Shack, a follow-up story

I read this novel by William P. Young a couple of months ago and was blown away by the freshness of a new vision of God and Christianity that I found there. I know it has caused A LOT of controversy, but I loved it. I won't go as far as saying everyone should read it: If you don't want to, that's fine. However, please don't criticise the book unless you've actually read it. There's nothing worse than folk who form opinions based on other people's opinions, rather than looking out the facts for themselves.

I found the author's website today and on it was this conversation, between God (a female named Papa) and himself, titled "The Beauty of Ambiguity" which I loved too:

I am back in the warmth of the cabin, watching through the window as early spring rains drench the surrounding landscape, low hanging clouds darkening the day. A late snow is coming, but not quite yet. Even though the fire crackles and snaps as it eats through its main course, I still snuggle deeper into the heaviness of the quilt that Papa left for me. She is soon back with a cup of tea, something that smells of wood and mint and a hint of jasmine. I grin. She knows me best, and whatever it is that she is handing me, I trust.

“Rough week, eh?” she asks, as if she doesn’t already know.

I take a sip. It’s very hot, just the way I like it, and the flavor is perfect for the dreary day and for my mood. I swallow the warmth and can feel it fall inside and reach fingers of comfort into even the hidden places.

“Yeah,” I respond.

“Want to talk about it?” she coaxes, sitting down with her own cup of something that I can smell is at least part coffee.

“Nope…and yes.” I don’t really know where to start and she’s patient. I love just being with Papa, knowing that he knows, even before I say anything and yet respectful as she waits. I still don’t know where to start and finally she helps me with a little verbal push.

“The book seems to be doing well?” I look up and she is grinning. Papa is talking about The Shack, the little fiction story that I wrote for my children.

“Not because of anything I’m doing,” I grunt. “It’s doing it all on its own.”

“Nothing or no one does anything on its own, not even me.” The statement makes me smile and I am comforted in the knowledge that Jesus and Sarayu are also present though unseen. Her observation is one of those invitations to go deeper, but I decline and go another direction.

read the rest

© Fiona L Cooper 2008

Introvert or Extrovert? THAT is the Question!

The world can be divided in many ways; between women and men; singles and married; those who love Marmite and those who hate it; those who live in the country and those who live in a town; the list is endless. But one of the more significant divisions is that between the extroverts and the introverts.

Here's a conversation I overheard between "Ida" the introvert and "Eve" the extrovert, who were both studying and living at Bible College. You'll probably identify with either one or the other:

Eve: "What are you doing this afternoon?"
Ida: "I think I'll go swimming."
Eve: "Oh, what a great idea, I'll come with you!"
Ida (all of a sudden feeling much less enthusiastic about swimming!): "okay then"
Eve (a bit puzzled why Ida isn't jumping up and down with pleasure at the idea of having company, but nevertheless thrilled with the idea herself): "fantastic, I'll go get my stuff!"

What Eve failed to realise is that Ida was looking forward to spending the time alone at the pool. In fact, one of the reasons she chose that as an activity was precisely because she didn't want to join in any of the group activities that were taking place closer to home! Eve on the other hand imagines she's doing Ida a great favour, because who would want to go swimming on their own if she could have company?!!!

At a social gathering, the introverts will be the ones sitting in deep conversation with someone, or they'll be standing by a wall somewhere, looking very uncomfortable and trying to think of an excuse to leave as soon as possible. Meanwhile, the extroverts are talking in groups, or talking to a string of people, wandering from one conversation to another.

This division can define our lives in quite profound ways. Depending on which side of the line you are on, you may get a real buzz out of being around people a lot, or you feel that excitement about spending hours on your own. Just as there is no better option between the sexes or whether you're married or single, there is no better option between being an extrovert or an introvert.

However, as an unapolagetic introvert, I have observed that the world tends to be defined on extroverts' terms. This means introverts often get defined in negative ways - 'uncomfortable in social situations'; 'don't have vast numbers of friends', etc, rather than positive terms, like; 'have very deep and satisfying friendships'; 'enjoy spending time on their own', etc. It is generally the extroverts that run the world; they are the ones who organise the social events and the ones you notice at parties; they are the ones who can walk into a room full of people and know they're going to have a great time. Meanwhile the introvert will hang back and let the extroverts do all the socialising, all the time hoping that one of them might take enough of an interest in her to really find out how she ticks. Unfortunately, that ain't likely to happen, certainly not straight away.

Extroverts often make introverts feel worthless because they think everyone ought to be as comfortable as they are in social situations and they can look down on those who struggle, with the attitude of, "just get over it." However, for an introvert, the idea of spending time in new social situations, or with a lot of people they don't necessarily know, is actually extremely stressful and can be quite traumatic. Really. I know someone who, while at Bible College, decided to eat lunch in her room every day because she couldn't face the daily stress of entering the huge dining hall and choosing somewhere to sit. I can picture those of you who are reading this and thinking, "pull yourselves together, don't be ridiculous!" If you're thinking that, then the chances are you're a definite extrovert.

The world tells introverts they're inadequate to such a degree that they often end up believing that there really is something wrong with them. Unfortunately, because introverts tend to be quieter (not exclusively, but generally speaking!) then they don't get heard above the din of the extroverts who are particularly fond of the sound of their own voices! This means they can feel very misunderstood and many times think they are the only one in the world to struggle in this way. It can be a wonderful relief to realise that there are many of us out there who understand.

Challenges on the mission field
Introverts face particular challenges on the mission field. Entering a new culture forces people into a huge number of new social situations; with their mission team-mates, with their work colleagues, with people at church... And most of these will have different social "rules" to those they are used to. An introvert tends to process things internally so you may not see much "progress" in the adaptation to the new culture, but that does not mean it's not happening. Introverts need longer to observe people in social contexts in order to understand what's expected of them before feeling able to join in.

Language learning is a particular challenge to introverts. In order to improve your fluency, there's no other way than to take the plunge and try to communicate, even though you'll make mistakes. For an introvert, this can be a massive hurdle. Firstly because introverts don't tend to have the same desire to communicate that extroverts do, so there are fewer moments when they have the incentive they need to get over their fear of making a mistake. Secondly because, in processing their thoughts internally first, they take longer to reach a point where they know what they want to say, even in their first language. In a second language, this is magnified and so an introvert quickly feels frustrated that they can't respond quick enough, even when their actual level of knowledge of the language is sufficient to cope with the situation.

It is much harder for an introvert than an extrovert to get to know people and it takes longer for them to feel they have friends, because for an introvert a friendship is only satisfying when it has reached a certain depth. So introverts new to the mission field can feel lonely for a significant length of time. This calls for a certain amount of understanding on the part of the mission leaders. Understanding; not criticism! Please, if you're an extrovert and are in charge of introverts who are new to the field, don't compare them to the extroverts they've just replaced, who were so great at just getting on with it and making friends in the new culture etc. Give your introverts space to adapt and observe; in your shadow to begin with if need be. Then you will see that gradually they will find their feet and begin to take the initiative.

A word of caution to my fellow introverts; don't make it an excuse to hide away at home! It can be very tempting to feel sorry for yourself and want to steer clear of all uncomfortable situations. That's not possible and there's a fine line to walk between giving yourself the time and space you need and avoiding facing the challenges altogether. You need to walk closely with God to know which are the situations you need to force yourself into and which you can justifiably put off facing until you are better settled.

Finally, a note of encouragement; God made everyone different. Each one of us is unique and special to Him. None of us is better or worse than anyone else. There is no personality which should be aspired to; both extroverts and introverts have their strengths and weaknesses. Please don't wish you were made differently! Find out what your strengths are and learn to take advantage of them for the advancement of God's kingdom. Discover where your weaknesses are and learn to manage them in a healthy way. And most of all, learn to appreciate others for their own unique contributions in Christ's body; neither criticising them nor envying them for the ways they are different from you.

Particularly dedicated to my introvert friends on the SIM-Py team. You know who you are! Your friendship is like hot chocolate by a bonfire on a cold night in July!


Update: 23rd Sep 08:
Today I got a newsletter from an extrovert friend who has just moved from the UK to Asia and she writes this: "That evening when I returned I decided to spend some time with the girls who live in this boarding house. Every evening they peel garlic and sing songs together. So I joined them and spent about 2 hours chatting and peeling garlic." Perhaps this wasn't as easy for her as it sounds, but the idea of joining a well-established group in this way TERRIFIES me!!! I would first have to have short, individual conversations with the different people and then I'd need to be invited to join them - NO WAY could I ever just sit down with them like that!! And reading her comment made me feel rather inadequate because it seems like the absolutely best thing she could have done in the circumstances, but if it had been me, I'd have failed miserably.

© Fiona L Cooper 2008

Letter to the discouraged single girl in search of a husband

Dear friend,

You and I both grew up, as all girls do, assuming that we would get married one day. At first I thought that maybe I would marry one of the boys at school... I'd probably meet my husband at university... Then my friends started getting married and I knew my time would come soon... When I reached my late twenties and there still wasn't a husband on the horizon, I really thought God was taking a long time to answer my prayer... Eventually in my thirties I started to consider the possibility that I might remain single forever and my challenge now is to discover how best to deal with that possibility. Whatever stage you're at, I hope that some of the reflections below might help you see your situation in a more positive light and lead you to lean more on God.

Techniques and Formulas
To begin with, there are no techniques or formulas for finding a husband, no matter what anyone tells you. Plenty of people have given me advice about what I should do in order to better prepare myself for finding the right man. God does not work according to techniques or formulas. Just because one person found success using a particular method, does not mean that the same method can be applied successfully to everyone else.

Each child of God is unique. We all have our own individual gifts, personalities, strengths and weaknesses. God creates each person with a particular purpose in mind and everyone's journey is different. So just because an old friend tells you that she just prayed and prayed and prayed for a husband, and God provided her with one, does not mean that if you pray in the same way God will send you Mr Right. Perhaps you've heard someone say that she came to a point with God when she was adamant that she didn't want to get married; she stopped thinking and praying about it and, poof! there appeared before her very eyes the most perfect man she could have wished for... I know I've heard that one from many sources! Don't be tempted to follow her "method." And don't think that God would have given you a husband by now if you had only been doing x, y or z in an effort to find him. God is bigger than that. He knows what is best for you and he does not provide you with things just because you comply with some invisible rulebook.

Your journey with God is not your friend's. You have your own challenges to overcome and your own strengths to develop.

Marriage = Eternal Happiness?
Our problem is that the dream of marriage we are sold by society, the media and the church promises eternal happiness: The happy ever after of fairytales can be yours, if you only look for it in the right place or wait long enough or make it happen yourself.

Do you know that when you get married, it will be to an imperfect man? You may wish and hope for "the perfect man" but take note; he doesn't exist. Really. I know you're probably thinking, "of course I know that, I'm not expecting to marry the perfect man, just the one who's perfect for me." But are you sure you're not thinking somewhere deep inside that, if God's making you wait for marriage, it's because he's got someone who is going to be completely wonderful in every way?

I wonder what you think marriage will be like? Why do you really want to get married? Why are you so unhappy with your singleness?

Perhaps you have an unrealistic idea of what marriage is like. I know I did.

I was looking forward to companionship, intimacy and support. I was sure my husband would banish my loneliness and fulfill all my desires. But hang on. Remember, he's an imperfect man. So what? Well, for a start, I imagine my husband to be willing to spend time with me whenever I want. However, the man I marry will have his own priorities and will not always be willing to spend time with me, and may in fact want to spend time with me when I'd rather be doing something else. My imaginary husband would also love everything about me and I would love everything about him, of course. But wait a moment, every one of us has hang-ups and habits and attitudes that come from our sinful nature and that make us difficult to live with.

So I will not find the complete intimacy I long for in marriage. Neither will I find that special someone who will always take my side and fight my corner, supporting me 24 hours a day, 365 days a year: He will have his own concerns and stresses and commitments, which means times will come when I want his support but he will be unable to provide it. There will be times in my marriage when I will feel misunderstood, unsupported and alone because my husband will not be able to meet my emotional needs. There may well be moments when I will feel lonelier in marriage than I ever have done as a single person.

So why do I have these desires for companionship, intimacy and support, if they won't be satisfied by getting married?

Because God created me with these needs in order to satisfy them himself. The Lord is the only one who can meet all my needs and so I need to look to him to feel fulfilled, right now. Marriage will not satisfy the deep longings I have, only God can do that, so I need to stop longing for marriage and start longing for God.

God loves you just the way you are and your singleness is part of that at the moment, like it or not. He created you because he wanted to have a relationship with you, but it's hard for him to have a relationship with you when you're so focused on finding a husband. You're distracted; your priorities are not as they should be.

"And don't be wishing you were someplace else or with someone else. Where you are right now is God's place for you. Live and obey and love and believe right there. God, not your marital status, defines your life." (1 Cor 7:17, The Message)

It's fine to want to get married but it's not fine to place all your hopes, dreams and expectations on that desire.

God's Gifts
Don't be expecting to ever "have it sorted" in terms of coming to terms with your singleness. And don't beat yourself up because you're not completely content with your singleness. Your discontent and your frustration are the spur to keep you looking to God, to keep asking for his grace and to help you recognise that you do indeed depend upon him to keep you going. God wants you to depend on him. That way you become closer to him, and he can bless you more freely.

There have been times when I have felt content with my singleness and I have been so grateful to God in those moments. However, these times inevitably end and I feel so fed up again; with my own weakness as much as anything. But God is still there and he's teaching me things through the heartache. I have to hang onto him and remember that it is only his grace that keeps me going.

You will have heard people quote Psalm 37 verse 4; "Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart" and this is often taken to mean that whatever it is that you want right now, he will give you that thing as soon as you begin to delight in him. But surely it means that, once you start delighting yourself in him, your desires become more in tune with his for your life and so you start wanting what he wants for you, and that does not necessarily include marriage!!!!!

God does want to give you good and perfect gifts, of course he does. But it is very dangerous to assume that these gifts will come in the shape of your own desires. They may do, but they may not.

The Privilege of Singleness
Do you believe you have a right to get married? What makes you think that?

It's a fact of Christian life that some Christian women, including a significant proportion of those in full-time ministry, don't get married. And most of them have a life-long desire for marriage.

Don't give in to bitterness; it only damages yourself and your relationship with God. Instead, seek the Lord. He loves you more than any man ever could. He's waiting for you to turn your whole self towards him, to follow him with no regrets and no doubts. Trust God to provide for your needs. Trust him to know what's best for you. See every challenge and every difficulty as an opportunity to lean on God and thus learn from him.

Our intense desire for marriage is the product of a fallen world. As women, our fallen nature leads us to turn away from God and look for a man who can provide security and stability, on whom we can depend to meet our needs, instead of looking to God for that.

This is why singleness is such a privilege. To have discovered that God, rather than my mythical prince charming, is the answer to all my desires, is a wonderful blessing. If I had entered marriage thinking that my husband would fulfill all these expectations, I would have soon become very disappointed. My singleness also gives me the opportunity to become so intimate with God that I no longer look for satisfaction anywhere else, without the distraction of a man in my life. Then if I do find a man to share my life with, I will know much better what it is marriage can and can't provide me with.

Heavenly!
In heaven we will find the fulfillment of all our desires. We will enter into a new phase of our relationship with God; one in which all our sadness and frustration and sin are swept away by the power of his love. We will experience love like we've never known it before; we will finally see ourselves as our Creator sees us and we will be the sinless people he made us to be; the best version of ourselves. We will be loved and will love in return with no holds barred, in complete freedom and with immense joy.

There is nothing on this earth that compares with the wonders of what we will experience the other side of death.

There will be no marriage or singleness; we will live in complete harmony with all creation and in wonderful community with all God’s people.

It's going to be amazing, and far beyond what we could ever imagine!!! So set your sights on heaven, not on marriage. Set your heart on knowing God more fully, not on finding your husband. That is where you will find the pure love, joy and satisfaction your heart desires.

God is Able
I have come to the conclusion that it makes absolutely no difference what I do or where I go: God is more than able to provide me with a husband, wherever I am and whatever I'm doing. The fact that he hasn't up until now means that I am better able to serve him and grow in maturity with him as a single than I would be if I were married. He likes me this way. My singleness is a precious part of who I am and part of what makes me beautiful in his eyes.

So it's not about techniques for catching a husband or persistence in a particular type of prayer, it's about God's sovereign will for my life. Your life. There is absolutely nothing to stop him giving either of us a husband. The fact that he hasn't means it is his will for us to be single right now and no amount of searching, make-up or flirting is going to make the slightest difference. I, for one, wouldn't want to be anywhere other than in the centre of his will. Would you?

And if his will is for me to remain unmarried until he takes me into glory, then my prayer is that he will use my life, my gifts and my passions to his good purposes. I also pray that I will know him in ever-increasing intimacy, always looking to him to satisfy the desires of my heart, as only he can. May this be your prayer too.

God be your comfort and your guide as you walk this challenging path.

Fiona

© Fiona L Cooper 2008

Perichoresis

I have been reading several books recently that have deeply affected the way I see God and have had a profound impact on my relationship with him: Velvet Elvis, by Rob Bell; Christ Plays in Ten Thousand Places, by Eugene Peterson; The Shack, by William P Young and Song of Songs, by God (!). I have also been spending time with my friend Kelly and our conversations have deepened my perspective even further.

I am learning that the Jesus-centred life is all about him. It's not about me. At all. All I have to do is keep looking at him and I can trust him to do all the rest. It's not about me trying to do the right thing, or trying to become a better Christian, or trying to please him. Because I can't. It's about letting him do what he wants with my life and in my soul, gradually changing me as I focus on him, as I spend my life with him.

I am learning that life is all about relationships; firstly, relationship with God, then relationships with people. Life is about love. Loving in the way Jesus loves. No conditions. No expectations. Loving out of love itself; loving because I am loved. It's about spending time with people, getting to know them, sharing their lives, their hopes, their pain. And letting people into my life, letting them share my burdens and my dreams.

I am learning that God loves me with a deep, deep love. That he is inviting me to participate with him in the relationship of the Father, Son and Holy Spirit. That there is nothing he wants more than a relationship with me; he looks forward to the times I spend with him and really delights in my presence, yet puts no expectations on how much time I should spend with him. His is not a demanding love; it's an inviting love. And that means I am free. No longer do I need to feel guilty about not living up to the standards other people seem to expect me to, in terms of my experience of the Holy Spirit or my practice of spiritual disciplines, etc. Guilt does not help my relationship with God! I am learning that I cannot live up to any standards imposed on me, either by myself or others. I am completely unable to because I am only human. So I am free to live my life with God at my own pace, in my own way. My experience of God is going to be different from everyone else's because I'm made differently; I am my own, unique person, so I must not beat myself up if I can't fit into someone else's mould.

I am learning that I am helpless to change myself and I am learning that what I need is more of God in my life and less of me: I am learning to give up my rights and my expectations; to realise that I am not important, even in my own life. It's all about God. Everything I do needs to spring from the love I have for God, not from a sense of duty or a set of rules I should follow.

I am learning to find my satisfaction in God alone.

I imagine the Father, Son and Holy Spirit standing in a group, absorbed in happy conversation with each other. Two of them are facing more or less in my direction, the other has his back to me. As I walk towards them, I am confident of being welcomed. The two who can see me turn their faces towards me with delight in their eyes, then the third one turns to see what they're looking at, finds it's me and his face breaks into a wonderful smile. The three have been happily waiting for me and as I approach, with my heart full of joy and expectancy, they open their circle a little, just enough to let me in, and I join them in their joy-filled, love-filled conversation. And we dance. Perichoresis.*

*Greek word for dance, used by early Greek theologians to describe the Trinity; see Peterson, Christ Plays in Ten Thousand Places, pp44-47



© Fiona L Cooper 2008

The Big Fat Lie About Romance

I'm going to have a bit of a rant now. Well, after all, this is my blog and isn't that what these things are designed for?

I am FED UP with the lies that we are constantly sold about romance. They come from television programmes, advertisements, films, books and magazines. But we get them most from the telly that we all spend so much time watching. There's an advert here in Paraguay for a body lotion that shows a woman putting the cream on her leg, while her boyfriend watches. Then they both fall into bed and the voiceover says, "The difference between 'going to bed' and 'going to bed with him' is the softness of your skin." The idea it's selling us is that if we use the right skincare product, we're guaranteed to get the man of our dreams. IT'S A BIG FAT LIE!!! There is no cream, no make up, no pair of jeans, no shampoo which will help you find your Prince Charming. In your sane moments, you probably know that over-well. But in your moments of desperation, of wondering whether you'll ever get married, of doubting whether God really knows what's best for you and of thinking that you've maybe put off hundreds of possible suitors by choosing the wrong hairstyle; in those moments, you may take a bit of pursuading that what you're being sold is not the truth. In those moments you're vulnerable to whatever lies the devil exposes you to. And it makes me MAD! It's so unfair, but so in character for him to take advantage of our deepest longings in that way.

And the idea that we can find that perfect love, that the man of our dreams really does exist and when we find him, we'll live together in blissful happiness forever... IT'S A LOAD OF RUBBISH!!! Yet we're sold it from all sides and we begin to expect it to happen to us, even think it's our right. But it ain't going to happen. The perfect man does not exist. Nor, for that matter does the perfect woman. But you know that. Or do you? It's so very easy to be fooled into believing all the BALDERDASH we're shown on the telly or in magazines, particularly in those vulnerable moments mentioned above. And it's very hard to get away from the images of "true love" which we see all around us, so they become ingrained into our subconscious and we accept them as if they were reality. ABSOLUTE TRIPE. Perfect happiness does not exist this side of heaven. Why? Because everything in this world has been corrupted by sin.

The media have latched onto this longing in all of us for perfect love and they use it to sell us things, whether through advertisements or in persuading us to watch certain television programmes or buy particular magazines. And when they've reeled us in, we let our minds feed on their lies without ever questioning the truth of what we're seeing, reading or hearing. And so we go through life thinking that our perception of romance, gained through the GARBAGE we expose ourselves to in the media, is actually accurate. IT'S NOT.

If we had a truer idea of the realities of relationships and the possibilities of other ways to find satisfaction, we could be much happier than we are. I fully believe that the biggest cause of dissatisfaction and sadness in the world is unrealistic expectations. As we seek the blissful life we're sold, we are constantly disappointed because we fail to find it. The media promotes the possibility of marital bliss and when we find out our marriage isn't like that, we look for a way out so that we can find it with someone else. UTTER CLAPTRAP.

We need to realise that the ONLY person with whom we can have a completely intimate and perfectly loving relationship is God. That's what he made us for. To live in harmony with him. No person on this earth can ever fill the longings in your heart for deep love. Only God. No person on this earth will ever satisfy your heart the way he can. No-one on this earth will ever know you completely and yet love you intensely. But God does. Seek him, not romance. Allow yourself to be loved by God and you will get a glimpse of the joy that awaits you in heaven. A joy that will never fade, a love that will never disappoint, a life that will never end.




The glory is God's alone.

Sex and the Single Thirty-Something

This is an issue I have been dealing with for many years and here are some conclusions I have arrived at:

What God says
If you are not married, God says you should abstain from sex. Why? Because God designed sex as a covenant act between a husband and a wife, a gift of intimacy with the person you have chosen to spend the rest of your life with. It is a physical act and a spiritual act and the only safe place for it is marriage. So, even when you are in your thirties and still single, you are called to refuse to have sex until you marry.

Is that really possible?
I don't pretend it's easy, but of course it's possible. I know that, not only because it's true that "nothing is impossible with God," (Luke 1:37) but, more pertinently because, up until now, I've actually lived it.

What celibacy is like in your thirties
It is flying in the face of society's norms. It is being completely counter-cultural in our world where the prevailing attitude is one of, "me first; I want it so I should have it; I want it now, so I shouldn't have to wait for it." This alone makes it extremely difficult. Added to that, every time you switch on the television, sex is referred to, implied or even seen. We're surrounded by it on billboards, in films, on magazine racks - the whole of popular culture assumes that everyone is doing it. And they do their best to convince you that sex is the be-all and the end-all of life. You should be having lots, and it should be extremely satisfying. If that's not the case, you are definitely missing out on the best thing this life has to offer.

Not just sex, but romance too. This is where we girls fall down. The romantic ideal of being "in love" forever, just like the fairytales imply, is also thrown at us from all sides. The books, television programmes, films and music we are surrounded by tell us that "true love" is possible, and the answer to all our dreams. All we have to do is find it. So we go looking for it. Around every corner, in every friendship with a member of the opposite sex. And do we find this fulfilling, overpowering, never-ending passionate love? Of course not, because God is the only one who can supply love like that. But that's a topic for another time.

So our society is telling us celibate singles that we haven't quite made it as real grown-ups. Add to that our own dreams and expectations from the teenage years onwards of eventually getting married and, when it doesn't happen, the sadness of unfulfilled expectations can become overwhelming. And with each passing year in our thirties, we see the likelihood of marriage becoming dimmer as the field of prospective marriage partners grows smaller. Some married friends have told me, at the time of their birthday or mine, that age is just a number and it really doesn't matter how old you are. But for me, each birthday is a step away from my dream of marriage and children being realised.

And then there are our God-given hormones which are clamouring for release or satisfaction in a relationship with a member of the opposite sex. The older we get, the harder it becomes to ignore the biological urge.

And once in a while, on the horizon appears the possibility of someone being romantically interested in you. A friendship becomes romantic. And at this point, the hormones begin screaming at you. It takes an enormous amount of willpower to deny the urge to have sex. Many, many people fall here. It is very easy to get carried away by the moment and too many of us do.

We easily fall into the trap of self-pity; "Woe is me, here's something I want, something that God says is good and right, but God hasn't given it to me. It's not fair!"

Many married people, when faced with a single person who expresses their agony, despair or frustration, quickly respond with the familiar cliché, "Marriage isn't a bed of roses, you know." That's beside the point. It's got very little to do with what marriage is actually like, it's mostly about our own expectations, hopes and dreams not being fulfilled. Here's an extract from a letter I wrote to a friend at a particularly low point:

I KNOW singleness is part of God's plan for me and that it's a precious part of who I am at the moment and that he likes me this way. I KNOW I would not be happy being married at the moment, because it would be to the wrong person. I KNOW that marriage is hard work and there are many many issues it creates that I don't have to deal with. I KNOW that being single gives me a freedom I could not have if I were married; freedom to spend my time the way I choose and to follow God without having to take into account another person's views. I KNOW that it doesn't matter where I am, if God wants me to get married, he'll provide the right person at the right time, and I would not want anything less than someone who is just right for me. I KNOW that my longing for marriage is really a representation of my longing for God and that marriage will never fulfill me, that I won't ever be fulfilled until I get to heaven. And I know God wants to be everything to me and he can fulfill me in ways a husband never could.

However, all this knowledge made absolutely no difference whatsoever to the extreme emotions I was feeling at the time, the strong desire for companionship and physical and emotional intimacy with a man. These emotions are what can lead us into dangerous situations and we need to be extremely self-controlled and strong-willed to resist their pull in that direction.

How celibacy is possible in your thirties
It's hard. There are no fast answers, no quick-fix solutions. It's about trusting God and clinging onto him when you can't see even a milimetre ahead on the path in front of you. It did get better for me in time, but not through anything I did, read or heard; it was simply the grace of God reaching into my life and lifting me up out of the darkness. My situation didn't change but my feelings about it did.

The only way it is possible to remain celibate is by focusing on God. We must shift our focus from "me" and "my problems and feelings" to the Lord God, who is the one who loves us and knows us more intimately than anyone else ever will. I don't pretend that doing that is easy, nor that it will automatically make us feel better. There are times when the effort of looking at God seems more than we can cope with, but it's worth trying because God knows where we are emotionally and he doesn't expect anything more than we can give. However, these times of desperate emotional darkness do pass. We have to wait on the Lord to pull us through and remember that he won't put us in a situation that is more than we can bear, he will give us the resources we need to get through it in HIS own time. "Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord." (Ps 27:14)

How we can help ourselves
We should remember that God values our singleness and he has given us this gift for this time in our lives, and will bring good out of it, if we allow it. We also need to remember that God has designed each of us as unique individuals, with our own unique path to walk and that, no matter how attractive someone else's "path" might be, everyone has their own challenges to overcome. For us, the struggle is with singleness; for others it is illness or poverty or bereavement etc. We also have to recognise that it is through the challenges that we grow closer to God and that intimacy with him is his ultimate goal for us. So we need to value our own singleness.

We need to be careful not to spend too much time talking to others in the same situation about how hopeless it all is, because that can be extremely unhelpful. It keeps us focused on ourselves instead of on God. I've found it also helps to make a conscious effort to notice the moments of happiness in solitude and thank God for my singleness in that moment. In the same way, we can take joy in doing things that married people can't and, when our married friends tell us they envy our freedom, we can again take a moment to thank God for our freedom, instead of saying, "yes, but..." and list all the disadvantages of singleness!

All these things will help us to change our attitude towards our singleness from a negative one to a more positive one and so will help us stay firm in the face of temptation.

We need to be wise as to the situations we allow ourselves to get into with the opposite sex and, instead of asking, "how far can we go?" we should be careful to set our own boundaries and be steadfast in keeping within them.

Last of all, remember that Jesus taught us to pray that we wouldn't be led into temptation and for deliverance from evil. We need to pray that for ourselves regularly, particularly at times when we are feeling emotionally vulnerable, so that we can stay on God's path for us and resist the devil, who knows our weaknesses and is eager to see us fall.

Married people, please pray for the singles you know to stand firm, not to fall into temptation and to remain celibate. Pray for their spiritual lives to flourish and for them to find their satisfaction in God alone.

Single people, make sure you are accountable to someone for your walk with God. Find a friend, single or married, who you can be completely honest with about your feelings and struggles. Bring it all to God and make it a goal to find your satisfaction in him alone.

I'm not pretending I've got it sorted, but it's a journey I'm on and I'm glad I've got the constant companionship of the Holy Spirit to guide and comfort me along the way. If you've got any comments or any wisdom to share from your own journey, write me a note in the "comment" box below.

Cynthia's Story

In order to give you a view of how FEISA is impacting lives, here's the story of one student, who was in my English class last year:

(photo of Cynthia at a play scheme this year)

"The love of God called me in 2006 when I was lost in the world, in religiosity, empty and with serious problems in my marriage. That January, I saw an advert in the newspaper for the Early Years Teacher Training course at FEISA. Teaching had been my dream for a long time but I had never had the opportunity or the finances to study. I found out that FEISA offers scholarships so I applied and a few days later I was accepted on the course. The scholarship was a real blessing because I was in a difficult situation; my husband was the only wage earner in the family and studying was difficult because I had 3 children who were also going to school. In this way, God was preparing the way for me towards an encounter with him.

"When I arrived at FEISA, I encountered the love of God through the people there and, in the Christian Worldview classes I discovered that salvation comes through faith and not by works, as I had believed.

"By July 2006, my relationship with my husband was deteriorating to the point that I wanted to leave him, even though I loved him a lot. I couldn't take the jealousy or the physical and verbal abuse any longer. The following month, my sister Liliana invited me to meetings where they talked about God and in September, I met him, God the Father, (Abba, Daddy!) at church. I continued to grow and that very month I started going to a Bible study where the Lord began shaping my life. In April 2007 I was baptised by full immersion, also known as water baptism.

"My brothers and sisters at FEISA were the fertile soil which welcomed this little seed.

"Nowadays my parents are studying the Bible, as is my husband. That monster changed into a wonderful and handsome prince, but, unlike the story of Beauty and the Beast, where everything ends when Beauty kisses the Beast and he changes and becomes handsome and they fall in love, in this story, it was God who showed us his love and this love changed us both.

"I thank the people at FEISA for their prayers and their support because the Word tells us that faith without works is dead and I feel the love of God through them, my brothers and sisters in Christ. I thank them because they are instruments in God's hands and thanks to this, God can change the lives of his children."

Wish you were here?

"I wish it was me!"
"It's so exciting what you're doing!"
"My life seems very ordinary in comparison."

Those are quotes from people in the UK on hearing about what I'm doing here, on the other side of the world.

It's true, it is exciting for me to be here, using my gifts and skills in this work I've been called to. However, I think the key to my joy is in the last few words of that sentence; the fact that I'm doing what God has asked me to do. God has a plan for each of us, uniquely suited to the gifts and personalities he has given us. The most exciting place to be, surely, is right in the centre of that plan. That is the place we can experience most blessing. That's not to say that it will always be easy. By no means! I have gone through some very difficult times while following God on this journey. I have often been challenged by deep desires for a different lifestyle, yet I know that God made me with this journey in mind and I would not give it up for anything in the world.

And, although there are moments of excitement and deep joy, the vast majority of my life is in fact taken up with the mundane ordinariness of life as we all know it; eating, cleaning, washing, shopping, minor stresses at work, personality differences with colleagues, frustrations with details at church...

God calls each of us to our own path, with its own challenges and joys. All of them leading to him, all of them equally precious in his sight. We must not discredit our own path because in our eyes it's somehow lacking in comparison with others'. Neither must we discredit others' paths in comparison to our own.

To some, God gives the privilege of travelling far and wide and meeting lots of people. To others, he gives the privilege of living in one place and becoming part of a stable community. Neither is better or worse, more or less important. Just different. Each person's path is uniquely suited to them.

So here's my challenge to you; are you doing what God has called you to do? Are you using the gifts he has given you for his purposes? If you know that the answer is "yes" then you can be sure that there is no other life better suited to you. If the answer is not "yes" then your task is to seek God's will for your life and accept the challenge of following him unconditionally, because that is where you will find the excitement and blessing you desire. If that thought scares you, give that fear to God. He will not ask you to do anything you are unable to do. He will not allow you to suffer more than you can bear. And he will be with you, guiding you, protecting you and above all, loving you, to the end of time.

"It is in Christ that we find out who we are and what we are living for" Ephesians 1 (The Message)