Dear friend,
You and I both grew up, as all girls do, assuming that we would get married one day. At first I thought that maybe I would marry one of the boys at school... I'd probably meet my husband at university... Then my friends started getting married and I knew my time would come soon... When I reached my late twenties and there still wasn't a husband on the horizon, I really thought God was taking a long time to answer my prayer... Eventually in my thirties I started to consider the possibility that I might remain single forever and my challenge now is to discover how best to deal with that possibility. Whatever stage you're at, I hope that some of the reflections below might help you see your situation in a more positive light and lead you to lean more on God.
Techniques and Formulas
To begin with, there are no techniques or formulas for finding a husband, no matter what anyone tells you. Plenty of people have given me advice about what I should do in order to better prepare myself for finding the right man. God does not work according to techniques or formulas. Just because one person found success using a particular method, does not mean that the same method can be applied successfully to everyone else.
Each child of God is unique. We all have our own individual gifts, personalities, strengths and weaknesses. God creates each person with a particular purpose in mind and everyone's journey is different. So just because an old friend tells you that she just prayed and prayed and prayed for a husband, and God provided her with one, does not mean that if you pray in the same way God will send you Mr Right. Perhaps you've heard someone say that she came to a point with God when she was adamant that she didn't want to get married; she stopped thinking and praying about it and, poof! there appeared before her very eyes the most perfect man she could have wished for... I know I've heard that one from many sources! Don't be tempted to follow her "method." And don't think that God would have given you a husband by now if you had only been doing x, y or z in an effort to find him. God is bigger than that. He knows what is best for you and he does not provide you with things just because you comply with some invisible rulebook.
Your journey with God is not your friend's. You have your own challenges to overcome and your own strengths to develop.
Marriage = Eternal Happiness?
Our problem is that the dream of marriage we are sold by society, the media and the church promises eternal happiness: The happy ever after of fairytales can be yours, if you only look for it in the right place or wait long enough or make it happen yourself.
Do you know that when you get married, it will be to an imperfect man? You may wish and hope for "the perfect man" but take note; he doesn't exist. Really. I know you're probably thinking, "of course I know that, I'm not expecting to marry the perfect man, just the one who's perfect for me." But are you sure you're not thinking somewhere deep inside that, if God's making you wait for marriage, it's because he's got someone who is going to be completely wonderful in every way?
I wonder what you think marriage will be like? Why do you really want to get married? Why are you so unhappy with your singleness?
Perhaps you have an unrealistic idea of what marriage is like. I know I did.
I was looking forward to companionship, intimacy and support. I was sure my husband would banish my loneliness and fulfill all my desires. But hang on. Remember, he's an imperfect man. So what? Well, for a start, I imagine my husband to be willing to spend time with me whenever I want. However, the man I marry will have his own priorities and will not always be willing to spend time with me, and may in fact want to spend time with me when I'd rather be doing something else. My imaginary husband would also love everything about me and I would love everything about him, of course. But wait a moment, every one of us has hang-ups and habits and attitudes that come from our sinful nature and that make us difficult to live with.
So I will not find the complete intimacy I long for in marriage. Neither will I find that special someone who will always take my side and fight my corner, supporting me 24 hours a day, 365 days a year: He will have his own concerns and stresses and commitments, which means times will come when I want his support but he will be unable to provide it. There will be times in my marriage when I will feel misunderstood, unsupported and alone because my husband will not be able to meet my emotional needs. There may well be moments when I will feel lonelier in marriage than I ever have done as a single person.
So why do I have these desires for companionship, intimacy and support, if they won't be satisfied by getting married?
Because God created me with these needs in order to satisfy them himself. The Lord is the only one who can meet all my needs and so I need to look to him to feel fulfilled, right now. Marriage will not satisfy the deep longings I have, only God can do that, so I need to stop longing for marriage and start longing for God.
God loves you just the way you are and your singleness is part of that at the moment, like it or not. He created you because he wanted to have a relationship with you, but it's hard for him to have a relationship with you when you're so focused on finding a husband. You're distracted; your priorities are not as they should be.
"And don't be wishing you were someplace else or with someone else. Where you are right now is God's place for you. Live and obey and love and believe right there. God, not your marital status, defines your life." (1 Cor 7:17, The Message)
It's fine to want to get married but it's not fine to place all your hopes, dreams and expectations on that desire.
God's Gifts
Don't be expecting to ever "have it sorted" in terms of coming to terms with your singleness. And don't beat yourself up because you're not completely content with your singleness. Your discontent and your frustration are the spur to keep you looking to God, to keep asking for his grace and to help you recognise that you do indeed depend upon him to keep you going. God wants you to depend on him. That way you become closer to him, and he can bless you more freely.
There have been times when I have felt content with my singleness and I have been so grateful to God in those moments. However, these times inevitably end and I feel so fed up again; with my own weakness as much as anything. But God is still there and he's teaching me things through the heartache. I have to hang onto him and remember that it is only his grace that keeps me going.
You will have heard people quote Psalm 37 verse 4; "Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart" and this is often taken to mean that whatever it is that you want right now, he will give you that thing as soon as you begin to delight in him. But surely it means that, once you start delighting yourself in him, your desires become more in tune with his for your life and so you start wanting what he wants for you, and that does not necessarily include marriage!!!!!
God does want to give you good and perfect gifts, of course he does. But it is very dangerous to assume that these gifts will come in the shape of your own desires. They may do, but they may not.
The Privilege of Singleness
Do you believe you have a right to get married? What makes you think that?
It's a fact of Christian life that some Christian women, including a significant proportion of those in full-time ministry, don't get married. And most of them have a life-long desire for marriage.
Don't give in to bitterness; it only damages yourself and your relationship with God. Instead, seek the Lord. He loves you more than any man ever could. He's waiting for you to turn your whole self towards him, to follow him with no regrets and no doubts. Trust God to provide for your needs. Trust him to know what's best for you. See every challenge and every difficulty as an opportunity to lean on God and thus learn from him.
Our intense desire for marriage is the product of a fallen world. As women, our fallen nature leads us to turn away from God and look for a man who can provide security and stability, on whom we can depend to meet our needs, instead of looking to God for that.
This is why singleness is such a privilege. To have discovered that God, rather than my mythical prince charming, is the answer to all my desires, is a wonderful blessing. If I had entered marriage thinking that my husband would fulfill all these expectations, I would have soon become very disappointed. My singleness also gives me the opportunity to become so intimate with God that I no longer look for satisfaction anywhere else, without the distraction of a man in my life. Then if I do find a man to share my life with, I will know much better what it is marriage can and can't provide me with.
Heavenly!
In heaven we will find the fulfillment of all our desires. We will enter into a new phase of our relationship with God; one in which all our sadness and frustration and sin are swept away by the power of his love. We will experience love like we've never known it before; we will finally see ourselves as our Creator sees us and we will be the sinless people he made us to be; the best version of ourselves. We will be loved and will love in return with no holds barred, in complete freedom and with immense joy.
There is nothing on this earth that compares with the wonders of what we will experience the other side of death.
There will be no marriage or singleness; we will live in complete harmony with all creation and in wonderful community with all God’s people.
It's going to be amazing, and far beyond what we could ever imagine!!! So set your sights on heaven, not on marriage. Set your heart on knowing God more fully, not on finding your husband. That is where you will find the pure love, joy and satisfaction your heart desires.
God is Able
I have come to the conclusion that it makes absolutely no difference what I do or where I go: God is more than able to provide me with a husband, wherever I am and whatever I'm doing. The fact that he hasn't up until now means that I am better able to serve him and grow in maturity with him as a single than I would be if I were married. He likes me this way. My singleness is a precious part of who I am and part of what makes me beautiful in his eyes.
So it's not about techniques for catching a husband or persistence in a particular type of prayer, it's about God's sovereign will for my life. Your life. There is absolutely nothing to stop him giving either of us a husband. The fact that he hasn't means it is his will for us to be single right now and no amount of searching, make-up or flirting is going to make the slightest difference. I, for one, wouldn't want to be anywhere other than in the centre of his will. Would you?
And if his will is for me to remain unmarried until he takes me into glory, then my prayer is that he will use my life, my gifts and my passions to his good purposes. I also pray that I will know him in ever-increasing intimacy, always looking to him to satisfy the desires of my heart, as only he can. May this be your prayer too.
God be your comfort and your guide as you walk this challenging path.
Fiona
You and I both grew up, as all girls do, assuming that we would get married one day. At first I thought that maybe I would marry one of the boys at school... I'd probably meet my husband at university... Then my friends started getting married and I knew my time would come soon... When I reached my late twenties and there still wasn't a husband on the horizon, I really thought God was taking a long time to answer my prayer... Eventually in my thirties I started to consider the possibility that I might remain single forever and my challenge now is to discover how best to deal with that possibility. Whatever stage you're at, I hope that some of the reflections below might help you see your situation in a more positive light and lead you to lean more on God.
Techniques and Formulas
To begin with, there are no techniques or formulas for finding a husband, no matter what anyone tells you. Plenty of people have given me advice about what I should do in order to better prepare myself for finding the right man. God does not work according to techniques or formulas. Just because one person found success using a particular method, does not mean that the same method can be applied successfully to everyone else.
Each child of God is unique. We all have our own individual gifts, personalities, strengths and weaknesses. God creates each person with a particular purpose in mind and everyone's journey is different. So just because an old friend tells you that she just prayed and prayed and prayed for a husband, and God provided her with one, does not mean that if you pray in the same way God will send you Mr Right. Perhaps you've heard someone say that she came to a point with God when she was adamant that she didn't want to get married; she stopped thinking and praying about it and, poof! there appeared before her very eyes the most perfect man she could have wished for... I know I've heard that one from many sources! Don't be tempted to follow her "method." And don't think that God would have given you a husband by now if you had only been doing x, y or z in an effort to find him. God is bigger than that. He knows what is best for you and he does not provide you with things just because you comply with some invisible rulebook.
Your journey with God is not your friend's. You have your own challenges to overcome and your own strengths to develop.
Marriage = Eternal Happiness?
Our problem is that the dream of marriage we are sold by society, the media and the church promises eternal happiness: The happy ever after of fairytales can be yours, if you only look for it in the right place or wait long enough or make it happen yourself.
Do you know that when you get married, it will be to an imperfect man? You may wish and hope for "the perfect man" but take note; he doesn't exist. Really. I know you're probably thinking, "of course I know that, I'm not expecting to marry the perfect man, just the one who's perfect for me." But are you sure you're not thinking somewhere deep inside that, if God's making you wait for marriage, it's because he's got someone who is going to be completely wonderful in every way?
I wonder what you think marriage will be like? Why do you really want to get married? Why are you so unhappy with your singleness?
Perhaps you have an unrealistic idea of what marriage is like. I know I did.
I was looking forward to companionship, intimacy and support. I was sure my husband would banish my loneliness and fulfill all my desires. But hang on. Remember, he's an imperfect man. So what? Well, for a start, I imagine my husband to be willing to spend time with me whenever I want. However, the man I marry will have his own priorities and will not always be willing to spend time with me, and may in fact want to spend time with me when I'd rather be doing something else. My imaginary husband would also love everything about me and I would love everything about him, of course. But wait a moment, every one of us has hang-ups and habits and attitudes that come from our sinful nature and that make us difficult to live with.
So I will not find the complete intimacy I long for in marriage. Neither will I find that special someone who will always take my side and fight my corner, supporting me 24 hours a day, 365 days a year: He will have his own concerns and stresses and commitments, which means times will come when I want his support but he will be unable to provide it. There will be times in my marriage when I will feel misunderstood, unsupported and alone because my husband will not be able to meet my emotional needs. There may well be moments when I will feel lonelier in marriage than I ever have done as a single person.
So why do I have these desires for companionship, intimacy and support, if they won't be satisfied by getting married?
Because God created me with these needs in order to satisfy them himself. The Lord is the only one who can meet all my needs and so I need to look to him to feel fulfilled, right now. Marriage will not satisfy the deep longings I have, only God can do that, so I need to stop longing for marriage and start longing for God.
God loves you just the way you are and your singleness is part of that at the moment, like it or not. He created you because he wanted to have a relationship with you, but it's hard for him to have a relationship with you when you're so focused on finding a husband. You're distracted; your priorities are not as they should be.
"And don't be wishing you were someplace else or with someone else. Where you are right now is God's place for you. Live and obey and love and believe right there. God, not your marital status, defines your life." (1 Cor 7:17, The Message)
It's fine to want to get married but it's not fine to place all your hopes, dreams and expectations on that desire.
God's Gifts
Don't be expecting to ever "have it sorted" in terms of coming to terms with your singleness. And don't beat yourself up because you're not completely content with your singleness. Your discontent and your frustration are the spur to keep you looking to God, to keep asking for his grace and to help you recognise that you do indeed depend upon him to keep you going. God wants you to depend on him. That way you become closer to him, and he can bless you more freely.
There have been times when I have felt content with my singleness and I have been so grateful to God in those moments. However, these times inevitably end and I feel so fed up again; with my own weakness as much as anything. But God is still there and he's teaching me things through the heartache. I have to hang onto him and remember that it is only his grace that keeps me going.
You will have heard people quote Psalm 37 verse 4; "Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart" and this is often taken to mean that whatever it is that you want right now, he will give you that thing as soon as you begin to delight in him. But surely it means that, once you start delighting yourself in him, your desires become more in tune with his for your life and so you start wanting what he wants for you, and that does not necessarily include marriage!!!!!
God does want to give you good and perfect gifts, of course he does. But it is very dangerous to assume that these gifts will come in the shape of your own desires. They may do, but they may not.
The Privilege of Singleness
Do you believe you have a right to get married? What makes you think that?
It's a fact of Christian life that some Christian women, including a significant proportion of those in full-time ministry, don't get married. And most of them have a life-long desire for marriage.
Don't give in to bitterness; it only damages yourself and your relationship with God. Instead, seek the Lord. He loves you more than any man ever could. He's waiting for you to turn your whole self towards him, to follow him with no regrets and no doubts. Trust God to provide for your needs. Trust him to know what's best for you. See every challenge and every difficulty as an opportunity to lean on God and thus learn from him.
Our intense desire for marriage is the product of a fallen world. As women, our fallen nature leads us to turn away from God and look for a man who can provide security and stability, on whom we can depend to meet our needs, instead of looking to God for that.
This is why singleness is such a privilege. To have discovered that God, rather than my mythical prince charming, is the answer to all my desires, is a wonderful blessing. If I had entered marriage thinking that my husband would fulfill all these expectations, I would have soon become very disappointed. My singleness also gives me the opportunity to become so intimate with God that I no longer look for satisfaction anywhere else, without the distraction of a man in my life. Then if I do find a man to share my life with, I will know much better what it is marriage can and can't provide me with.
Heavenly!
In heaven we will find the fulfillment of all our desires. We will enter into a new phase of our relationship with God; one in which all our sadness and frustration and sin are swept away by the power of his love. We will experience love like we've never known it before; we will finally see ourselves as our Creator sees us and we will be the sinless people he made us to be; the best version of ourselves. We will be loved and will love in return with no holds barred, in complete freedom and with immense joy.
There is nothing on this earth that compares with the wonders of what we will experience the other side of death.
There will be no marriage or singleness; we will live in complete harmony with all creation and in wonderful community with all God’s people.
It's going to be amazing, and far beyond what we could ever imagine!!! So set your sights on heaven, not on marriage. Set your heart on knowing God more fully, not on finding your husband. That is where you will find the pure love, joy and satisfaction your heart desires.
God is Able
I have come to the conclusion that it makes absolutely no difference what I do or where I go: God is more than able to provide me with a husband, wherever I am and whatever I'm doing. The fact that he hasn't up until now means that I am better able to serve him and grow in maturity with him as a single than I would be if I were married. He likes me this way. My singleness is a precious part of who I am and part of what makes me beautiful in his eyes.
So it's not about techniques for catching a husband or persistence in a particular type of prayer, it's about God's sovereign will for my life. Your life. There is absolutely nothing to stop him giving either of us a husband. The fact that he hasn't means it is his will for us to be single right now and no amount of searching, make-up or flirting is going to make the slightest difference. I, for one, wouldn't want to be anywhere other than in the centre of his will. Would you?
And if his will is for me to remain unmarried until he takes me into glory, then my prayer is that he will use my life, my gifts and my passions to his good purposes. I also pray that I will know him in ever-increasing intimacy, always looking to him to satisfy the desires of my heart, as only he can. May this be your prayer too.
God be your comfort and your guide as you walk this challenging path.
Fiona
© Fiona L Cooper 2008
Oh, Fiona. I can SO SENSE God's grace in your writing. I don't mean to flatter you, but I think this may be the best thing I've ever read on singleness. Thank you, my sister. You are a gift. Thank you for allowing your journey to be used to bless others. God's grace is upon you.
ReplyDeleteUn abrazo de Villarrica, Alyssa
You are amazing. As a married person I really value the fact that you understand that marriage isn't perfect either, and therefore I don't feel that you resent my being married.
ReplyDeleteLove Sarah-Kate
Well put, Fiona!
ReplyDeleteThis post really encouraged me. I am thinking about going into missions, but the prospect of being single out there really scares me. Now I have to question: Why is it so scary? Is that the only way I can be happy, or serve God? You gave me encouragement and hope. Thanks.
ReplyDelete