The Joy of Singleness

I'm done with self-pity.

I'm over feeling sorry for myself.
I've had enough of wallowing.

It's time to challenge the assumption which is prevalent in society and the church that marriage is inherently better than singleness. It's not. Look at what Jesus and Paul say (Matt 19:11-12; 1 Cor 7:27-28 & 32-34). Jesus himself was single, in a culture where it was by far the norm to marry. In our culture too it is the norm to get married, or at the very least (for non-Christians) to have long-term sexual relationships. This makes it pretty hard for those of us who are single. The pressure comes from all sides to "find THE ONE," settle down and have a family.

Because it is so normal to get married, those of us who aren't feel as though we're missing out on something; we're not quite grown-up if we haven't entered the club of the "married with children." And so we lament our lack of companionship, sexual fulfillment and offspring. And we get together with others in our situation and moan about the lack of single Christian men and we try not to look too desperate whenever we meet a new man who's single.

But what if we really believed that there is nothing wrong with being single? What if we could see our singleness as being a channel for God's blessing and even an opportunity to grow in intimacy with God which we wouldn't have if we were married? What if we could show the world the benefits of being single, so that others could see for real that it's a truly blessed lifestyle?

Then people might see that singleness can be more than just a time of waiting for the right man; that it can mean a life of fulfilled contentment. The single people we know who are younger than us might learn not to fear singleness in the way that we did when we were younger. Wouldn't that be awesome?

I am tired of the messages I am constantly bombarded with about how much better life is if it's lived with a partner. I want to explore the possibility of living out my singleness without feeling that it is somehow less valid than marriage. Marriage is the norm. I want to be normal. But why do I feel that normal is good and therefore abnormal is bad? Perhaps the word 'abnormal' has negative connotations. What about 'unusual' then? Or 'unique'? Every one of us is unique, so why should we want to conform to society's idea of what's good? Unique is good. Let's be proud of being different. Romans 12:2 says, "Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is - his good, pleasing and perfect will."

Let's stop thinking of marriage as some higher state of being and start thinking about our singleness as being God's gift to us at this time. It is a gift he has given us which we can use for his good purposes, to bless and encourage others and to grow in intimacy with him. When we focus on God, our perspective changes. We start to see things as he sees them and so we begin to understand something of his wonderful plan for us as we accept our circumstances and step out in faith with him.

Let's live life to the full, making the most of every opportunity to develop our gifts and form deep relationships. This life is all about relationships, but not just of the romantic, life-long partnership kind. Invest in the friendships you have. Seek out new friends. Make time to really get to know other people; develop bonds of shared experiences and emotions. Be generous with your love. Spend time with families - if you long for children of your own it can be a wonderful thing to get to know other people's children. As a non-parent, you can develop a very special relationship with children that can be of enormous blessing to yourself, the children and their parents.

Most importantly, invest time and energy in your relationship with God. He is there, waiting for us to turn to him, longing for us to know him as he knows us. He wants all of us, not just half an hour in the morning, but all day, every day. He loves us with a passion no human could ever match. Why settle for anything less than a fully intimate relationship with our Lord?

If marriage is a picture of God's relationship within the Trinity, and if sex is a glimpse of heaven, then these are truly wonderful things. But they are images of something deeper, more intimate, more holy, more connected, more fulfilling. More, more, more. Why should we want the image if the real thing is out there, waiting to be found by us? The real, deep, abiding, passionate, never-ending, glorious love of the Father is ours for the taking. Why do we search for its earthly substitute if God is calling us here and now into a holy union with him? Can't you hear the Father's voice calling you; "Arise my darling, my beautiful one, and come with me." (Song 2:10)? He is inviting us to join him on an adventure of abandoning ourselves completely to him.

Rob Bell says (referring to the passages from Matthew and 1 Corinthians above), "It's not just that you're fine single. The premise of the Scriptures is that you are able to connect with God and serve God in ways that those who are married can't. The tilt is towards being single, not away from it." (Sex God)

Let's be glad for the things which make us different from our married friends. Let's enjoy our solitude, our independence, our freedom to choose what to do and when and how to do it. Let's not feel guilty any longer for being able to sleep late on a Saturday when everyone else has to get up with the larks to take the kids swimming or do the weekly shop. Let's enjoy doing things on the spur of the moment and choosing which film to watch without having to take anyone else's taste into account! Let's talk about the things we enjoy about our life with our friends, single and married alike. Let's begin to spread the word that being single can be A Good Thing.

And let's seize the opportunities our single life gives us to love the Lord our God with all our heart, all our soul and all our strength (see Deut 6:5). Let us say from the bottom of our heart that, "you have assigned me my portion and my cup; you have made my lot secure. The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; surely I have a delightful inheritance." (Ps 16:5-6) Let us seek him with an unquenchable desire, reaching for the day when, "you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand." (Ps 16:11)

Let's make it our aim to find our satisfaction in our Lord and Saviour, and let's not rest until we have found complete joy in deep intimacy with him.

Two books I recommend about singleness/relationships and God:
Al Hsu "The Single Issue" (Known in the US as "Singles at the Crossroads")
Rob Bell "Sex God: Exploring the Endless Connections Between Sexuality and Spirituality."

Other books I recommend about a deeper, more fulfilling relationship with God:
John Piper "When I Don't Desire God"
Jeanne Guyon "Experiencing the Depths of Jesus Christ"
Elizabeth Prentiss "Stepping Heavenwards"


© Fiona L Cooper 2008

Letter to the discouraged single girl in search of a husband

Dear friend,

You and I both grew up, as all girls do, assuming that we would get married one day. At first I thought that maybe I would marry one of the boys at school... I'd probably meet my husband at university... Then my friends started getting married and I knew my time would come soon... When I reached my late twenties and there still wasn't a husband on the horizon, I really thought God was taking a long time to answer my prayer... Eventually in my thirties I started to consider the possibility that I might remain single forever and my challenge now is to discover how best to deal with that possibility. Whatever stage you're at, I hope that some of the reflections below might help you see your situation in a more positive light and lead you to lean more on God.

Techniques and Formulas
To begin with, there are no techniques or formulas for finding a husband, no matter what anyone tells you. Plenty of people have given me advice about what I should do in order to better prepare myself for finding the right man. God does not work according to techniques or formulas. Just because one person found success using a particular method, does not mean that the same method can be applied successfully to everyone else.

Each child of God is unique. We all have our own individual gifts, personalities, strengths and weaknesses. God creates each person with a particular purpose in mind and everyone's journey is different. So just because an old friend tells you that she just prayed and prayed and prayed for a husband, and God provided her with one, does not mean that if you pray in the same way God will send you Mr Right. Perhaps you've heard someone say that she came to a point with God when she was adamant that she didn't want to get married; she stopped thinking and praying about it and, poof! there appeared before her very eyes the most perfect man she could have wished for... I know I've heard that one from many sources! Don't be tempted to follow her "method." And don't think that God would have given you a husband by now if you had only been doing x, y or z in an effort to find him. God is bigger than that. He knows what is best for you and he does not provide you with things just because you comply with some invisible rulebook.

Your journey with God is not your friend's. You have your own challenges to overcome and your own strengths to develop.

Marriage = Eternal Happiness?
Our problem is that the dream of marriage we are sold by society, the media and the church promises eternal happiness: The happy ever after of fairytales can be yours, if you only look for it in the right place or wait long enough or make it happen yourself.

Do you know that when you get married, it will be to an imperfect man? You may wish and hope for "the perfect man" but take note; he doesn't exist. Really. I know you're probably thinking, "of course I know that, I'm not expecting to marry the perfect man, just the one who's perfect for me." But are you sure you're not thinking somewhere deep inside that, if God's making you wait for marriage, it's because he's got someone who is going to be completely wonderful in every way?

I wonder what you think marriage will be like? Why do you really want to get married? Why are you so unhappy with your singleness?

Perhaps you have an unrealistic idea of what marriage is like. I know I did.

I was looking forward to companionship, intimacy and support. I was sure my husband would banish my loneliness and fulfill all my desires. But hang on. Remember, he's an imperfect man. So what? Well, for a start, I imagine my husband to be willing to spend time with me whenever I want. However, the man I marry will have his own priorities and will not always be willing to spend time with me, and may in fact want to spend time with me when I'd rather be doing something else. My imaginary husband would also love everything about me and I would love everything about him, of course. But wait a moment, every one of us has hang-ups and habits and attitudes that come from our sinful nature and that make us difficult to live with.

So I will not find the complete intimacy I long for in marriage. Neither will I find that special someone who will always take my side and fight my corner, supporting me 24 hours a day, 365 days a year: He will have his own concerns and stresses and commitments, which means times will come when I want his support but he will be unable to provide it. There will be times in my marriage when I will feel misunderstood, unsupported and alone because my husband will not be able to meet my emotional needs. There may well be moments when I will feel lonelier in marriage than I ever have done as a single person.

So why do I have these desires for companionship, intimacy and support, if they won't be satisfied by getting married?

Because God created me with these needs in order to satisfy them himself. The Lord is the only one who can meet all my needs and so I need to look to him to feel fulfilled, right now. Marriage will not satisfy the deep longings I have, only God can do that, so I need to stop longing for marriage and start longing for God.

God loves you just the way you are and your singleness is part of that at the moment, like it or not. He created you because he wanted to have a relationship with you, but it's hard for him to have a relationship with you when you're so focused on finding a husband. You're distracted; your priorities are not as they should be.

"And don't be wishing you were someplace else or with someone else. Where you are right now is God's place for you. Live and obey and love and believe right there. God, not your marital status, defines your life." (1 Cor 7:17, The Message)

It's fine to want to get married but it's not fine to place all your hopes, dreams and expectations on that desire.

God's Gifts
Don't be expecting to ever "have it sorted" in terms of coming to terms with your singleness. And don't beat yourself up because you're not completely content with your singleness. Your discontent and your frustration are the spur to keep you looking to God, to keep asking for his grace and to help you recognise that you do indeed depend upon him to keep you going. God wants you to depend on him. That way you become closer to him, and he can bless you more freely.

There have been times when I have felt content with my singleness and I have been so grateful to God in those moments. However, these times inevitably end and I feel so fed up again; with my own weakness as much as anything. But God is still there and he's teaching me things through the heartache. I have to hang onto him and remember that it is only his grace that keeps me going.

You will have heard people quote Psalm 37 verse 4; "Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart" and this is often taken to mean that whatever it is that you want right now, he will give you that thing as soon as you begin to delight in him. But surely it means that, once you start delighting yourself in him, your desires become more in tune with his for your life and so you start wanting what he wants for you, and that does not necessarily include marriage!!!!!

God does want to give you good and perfect gifts, of course he does. But it is very dangerous to assume that these gifts will come in the shape of your own desires. They may do, but they may not.

The Privilege of Singleness
Do you believe you have a right to get married? What makes you think that?

It's a fact of Christian life that some Christian women, including a significant proportion of those in full-time ministry, don't get married. And most of them have a life-long desire for marriage.

Don't give in to bitterness; it only damages yourself and your relationship with God. Instead, seek the Lord. He loves you more than any man ever could. He's waiting for you to turn your whole self towards him, to follow him with no regrets and no doubts. Trust God to provide for your needs. Trust him to know what's best for you. See every challenge and every difficulty as an opportunity to lean on God and thus learn from him.

Our intense desire for marriage is the product of a fallen world. As women, our fallen nature leads us to turn away from God and look for a man who can provide security and stability, on whom we can depend to meet our needs, instead of looking to God for that.

This is why singleness is such a privilege. To have discovered that God, rather than my mythical prince charming, is the answer to all my desires, is a wonderful blessing. If I had entered marriage thinking that my husband would fulfill all these expectations, I would have soon become very disappointed. My singleness also gives me the opportunity to become so intimate with God that I no longer look for satisfaction anywhere else, without the distraction of a man in my life. Then if I do find a man to share my life with, I will know much better what it is marriage can and can't provide me with.

Heavenly!
In heaven we will find the fulfillment of all our desires. We will enter into a new phase of our relationship with God; one in which all our sadness and frustration and sin are swept away by the power of his love. We will experience love like we've never known it before; we will finally see ourselves as our Creator sees us and we will be the sinless people he made us to be; the best version of ourselves. We will be loved and will love in return with no holds barred, in complete freedom and with immense joy.

There is nothing on this earth that compares with the wonders of what we will experience the other side of death.

There will be no marriage or singleness; we will live in complete harmony with all creation and in wonderful community with all God’s people.

It's going to be amazing, and far beyond what we could ever imagine!!! So set your sights on heaven, not on marriage. Set your heart on knowing God more fully, not on finding your husband. That is where you will find the pure love, joy and satisfaction your heart desires.

God is Able
I have come to the conclusion that it makes absolutely no difference what I do or where I go: God is more than able to provide me with a husband, wherever I am and whatever I'm doing. The fact that he hasn't up until now means that I am better able to serve him and grow in maturity with him as a single than I would be if I were married. He likes me this way. My singleness is a precious part of who I am and part of what makes me beautiful in his eyes.

So it's not about techniques for catching a husband or persistence in a particular type of prayer, it's about God's sovereign will for my life. Your life. There is absolutely nothing to stop him giving either of us a husband. The fact that he hasn't means it is his will for us to be single right now and no amount of searching, make-up or flirting is going to make the slightest difference. I, for one, wouldn't want to be anywhere other than in the centre of his will. Would you?

And if his will is for me to remain unmarried until he takes me into glory, then my prayer is that he will use my life, my gifts and my passions to his good purposes. I also pray that I will know him in ever-increasing intimacy, always looking to him to satisfy the desires of my heart, as only he can. May this be your prayer too.

God be your comfort and your guide as you walk this challenging path.

Fiona

© Fiona L Cooper 2008

Singleness on the Mission Field

Following my blog on Sex and the Single Thirty-Something, I was asked to write an article for Oscar, the online mission resource site.

Find it here

Sex and the Single Thirty-Something

This is an issue I have been dealing with for many years and here are some conclusions I have arrived at:

What God says
If you are not married, God says you should abstain from sex. Why? Because God designed sex as a covenant act between a husband and a wife, a gift of intimacy with the person you have chosen to spend the rest of your life with. It is a physical act and a spiritual act and the only safe place for it is marriage. So, even when you are in your thirties and still single, you are called to refuse to have sex until you marry.

Is that really possible?
I don't pretend it's easy, but of course it's possible. I know that, not only because it's true that "nothing is impossible with God," (Luke 1:37) but, more pertinently because, up until now, I've actually lived it.

What celibacy is like in your thirties
It is flying in the face of society's norms. It is being completely counter-cultural in our world where the prevailing attitude is one of, "me first; I want it so I should have it; I want it now, so I shouldn't have to wait for it." This alone makes it extremely difficult. Added to that, every time you switch on the television, sex is referred to, implied or even seen. We're surrounded by it on billboards, in films, on magazine racks - the whole of popular culture assumes that everyone is doing it. And they do their best to convince you that sex is the be-all and the end-all of life. You should be having lots, and it should be extremely satisfying. If that's not the case, you are definitely missing out on the best thing this life has to offer.

Not just sex, but romance too. This is where we girls fall down. The romantic ideal of being "in love" forever, just like the fairytales imply, is also thrown at us from all sides. The books, television programmes, films and music we are surrounded by tell us that "true love" is possible, and the answer to all our dreams. All we have to do is find it. So we go looking for it. Around every corner, in every friendship with a member of the opposite sex. And do we find this fulfilling, overpowering, never-ending passionate love? Of course not, because God is the only one who can supply love like that. But that's a topic for another time.

So our society is telling us celibate singles that we haven't quite made it as real grown-ups. Add to that our own dreams and expectations from the teenage years onwards of eventually getting married and, when it doesn't happen, the sadness of unfulfilled expectations can become overwhelming. And with each passing year in our thirties, we see the likelihood of marriage becoming dimmer as the field of prospective marriage partners grows smaller. Some married friends have told me, at the time of their birthday or mine, that age is just a number and it really doesn't matter how old you are. But for me, each birthday is a step away from my dream of marriage and children being realised.

And then there are our God-given hormones which are clamouring for release or satisfaction in a relationship with a member of the opposite sex. The older we get, the harder it becomes to ignore the biological urge.

And once in a while, on the horizon appears the possibility of someone being romantically interested in you. A friendship becomes romantic. And at this point, the hormones begin screaming at you. It takes an enormous amount of willpower to deny the urge to have sex. Many, many people fall here. It is very easy to get carried away by the moment and too many of us do.

We easily fall into the trap of self-pity; "Woe is me, here's something I want, something that God says is good and right, but God hasn't given it to me. It's not fair!"

Many married people, when faced with a single person who expresses their agony, despair or frustration, quickly respond with the familiar cliché, "Marriage isn't a bed of roses, you know." That's beside the point. It's got very little to do with what marriage is actually like, it's mostly about our own expectations, hopes and dreams not being fulfilled. Here's an extract from a letter I wrote to a friend at a particularly low point:

I KNOW singleness is part of God's plan for me and that it's a precious part of who I am at the moment and that he likes me this way. I KNOW I would not be happy being married at the moment, because it would be to the wrong person. I KNOW that marriage is hard work and there are many many issues it creates that I don't have to deal with. I KNOW that being single gives me a freedom I could not have if I were married; freedom to spend my time the way I choose and to follow God without having to take into account another person's views. I KNOW that it doesn't matter where I am, if God wants me to get married, he'll provide the right person at the right time, and I would not want anything less than someone who is just right for me. I KNOW that my longing for marriage is really a representation of my longing for God and that marriage will never fulfill me, that I won't ever be fulfilled until I get to heaven. And I know God wants to be everything to me and he can fulfill me in ways a husband never could.

However, all this knowledge made absolutely no difference whatsoever to the extreme emotions I was feeling at the time, the strong desire for companionship and physical and emotional intimacy with a man. These emotions are what can lead us into dangerous situations and we need to be extremely self-controlled and strong-willed to resist their pull in that direction.

How celibacy is possible in your thirties
It's hard. There are no fast answers, no quick-fix solutions. It's about trusting God and clinging onto him when you can't see even a milimetre ahead on the path in front of you. It did get better for me in time, but not through anything I did, read or heard; it was simply the grace of God reaching into my life and lifting me up out of the darkness. My situation didn't change but my feelings about it did.

The only way it is possible to remain celibate is by focusing on God. We must shift our focus from "me" and "my problems and feelings" to the Lord God, who is the one who loves us and knows us more intimately than anyone else ever will. I don't pretend that doing that is easy, nor that it will automatically make us feel better. There are times when the effort of looking at God seems more than we can cope with, but it's worth trying because God knows where we are emotionally and he doesn't expect anything more than we can give. However, these times of desperate emotional darkness do pass. We have to wait on the Lord to pull us through and remember that he won't put us in a situation that is more than we can bear, he will give us the resources we need to get through it in HIS own time. "Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord." (Ps 27:14)

How we can help ourselves
We should remember that God values our singleness and he has given us this gift for this time in our lives, and will bring good out of it, if we allow it. We also need to remember that God has designed each of us as unique individuals, with our own unique path to walk and that, no matter how attractive someone else's "path" might be, everyone has their own challenges to overcome. For us, the struggle is with singleness; for others it is illness or poverty or bereavement etc. We also have to recognise that it is through the challenges that we grow closer to God and that intimacy with him is his ultimate goal for us. So we need to value our own singleness.

We need to be careful not to spend too much time talking to others in the same situation about how hopeless it all is, because that can be extremely unhelpful. It keeps us focused on ourselves instead of on God. I've found it also helps to make a conscious effort to notice the moments of happiness in solitude and thank God for my singleness in that moment. In the same way, we can take joy in doing things that married people can't and, when our married friends tell us they envy our freedom, we can again take a moment to thank God for our freedom, instead of saying, "yes, but..." and list all the disadvantages of singleness!

All these things will help us to change our attitude towards our singleness from a negative one to a more positive one and so will help us stay firm in the face of temptation.

We need to be wise as to the situations we allow ourselves to get into with the opposite sex and, instead of asking, "how far can we go?" we should be careful to set our own boundaries and be steadfast in keeping within them.

Last of all, remember that Jesus taught us to pray that we wouldn't be led into temptation and for deliverance from evil. We need to pray that for ourselves regularly, particularly at times when we are feeling emotionally vulnerable, so that we can stay on God's path for us and resist the devil, who knows our weaknesses and is eager to see us fall.

Married people, please pray for the singles you know to stand firm, not to fall into temptation and to remain celibate. Pray for their spiritual lives to flourish and for them to find their satisfaction in God alone.

Single people, make sure you are accountable to someone for your walk with God. Find a friend, single or married, who you can be completely honest with about your feelings and struggles. Bring it all to God and make it a goal to find your satisfaction in him alone.

I'm not pretending I've got it sorted, but it's a journey I'm on and I'm glad I've got the constant companionship of the Holy Spirit to guide and comfort me along the way. If you've got any comments or any wisdom to share from your own journey, write me a note in the "comment" box below.