Transition Blues

I went home for Christmas. I only told a very few people because I knew I wouldn't have time to see anyone else. I was in the UK for a month. I spent Christmas with my family in Newcastle, had a couple of wonderful days in the Lakes with a friend for Hogmanay and briefly saw other friends on my way down south to Heathrow and the journey back to Paraguay.

Now I'm back in Paraguay, where I belong for this time in my life and I'm feeling rather emotionally vulnerable. Which is unusual for me, being more of a logical than emotional personality type. And because of its unusualness, it's a rather uncomfortable place to be.

It's called Transition, this time between cultures, when you don't quite feel as though you fit anywhere. And it's what I'm going through. And I hate it. I've gone through it so many times in my life and recently, it's been every year. Yet it doesn't get any easier.

I think there are a number of factors which can make it easier or harder to cope with, such as how much I've enjoyed my time in the first culture, how much I miss friends and family, how settled I feel in the second culture, how much rest I've had recently, etc.

This time at home, I spent very good times with friends and family and I'm finding it quite hard that I can't spend more time with them, or see them more regularly. My friends have growing families - let me tell you about the 12 people I know who are pregnant at the moment!! - and I would love to be more a part of their lives, I particularly miss getting to know the children while they are young.

I've come back to what is very likely (though not definitely) my last year here in Paraguay. That means I'm inevitably thinking about the future beyond 2009 - where will I go? What will I do? This in turn makes me feel a bit restless about being here at all. I'm trying hard to focus on the here and now, but part of me is constantly evaluating what's going on, in an effort to discern which direction I should go in next.

I've returned to a job which, to all intents and purposes, is likely to be very similar in roles and responsibilities as it was last year. Last year was very hard and I'm expecting it to be a similar challenge this year. That doesn't exactly fill me with joy! Although the fact that I am convinced I'm in the right place for this time in my life does give me a certain functional contentment. However, being a details person means I often find it hard to notice the big picture and remember the reason I came when my mind is occupied with the nitty gritty of getting through the problem in front of me at the time.

So I'm generally a bit fed up and unmotivated at the moment. I'm also tired and the heat is affecting me more than usual because of that. I need to remember that this is a phase that will pass. I need to focus on the positives about being here and take time to enjoy them. I need to make sure I get enough rest, while being aware that sleeping too much is also a sign of stress. And I need to be able to talk about how I'm feeling. So thank you, because that's what this post has really been about - being able to articulate how I'm feeling in an effort to manage this horrid Transition process a bit better.

See more photos from my time in the UK:

Christmas break 08-09

© Fiona L Cooper 2009